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Category Archives: Changing Your Life

January 30, 2013 On Forgiving Others (And Ourselves)

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” -Mark Twain

A recipe for bitterness, cynicism and discontent is the inability to forgive.

We must forgive. It is crucial for leading a fulfilling life. And while most of us are able to forgive others, we often have the most trouble with forgiving ourselves. This week, I want to touch on both, and talk about how and why forgiveness in all its forms is a necessary element for powerful living.

We often confuse forgiveness with pretending the offending person didn’t hurt us, or think that it means we must shove away our pain and anger into a small corner of our psyche. However, neither of these describe true forgiveness. Psychologist Clarann Goldring states that forgiveness is “letting go of the need to fix the wrong and/or get even with the person.”

You see, forgiveness is for us. You could look at it as a healthy selfishness. Goldring points out that your personal baggage “doesn’t hurt the person you’re mad at in the least. The heavy burden falls on you, often for years.” Is this a good way to live?

Again, we shouldn’t condone the actions of the person that wronged us. But notice the word “wronged” is in the past tense. It already happened, and nothing can change that. So you can choose to move on, or you can continue to let past actions poison your present life.

Yet many of us struggle far more with forgiving ourselves. Like forgiving others, the first step is accepting the reality that wrongs were committed, in this case by you. But from there, forgiving oneself is a way of getting on with life, free from burden. An article in Psychology Today on the matter states that forgiving oneself “accompanies a resolution to change one’s behavior and act differently in the future.” In other words, when we forgive ourselves, we feel more motivated to get the things done that we want to do, free from the mistakes we’ve made in the past.

For instance, we tend to procrastinate less when not bogged down in feelings of guilt and regret. Procrastination acts as a downward spiral of guilt, shame and self-fulfilling prophesy. But when we forgive ourselves for avoiding an important task early on, we reduce the emotional stress associated with procrastination, which makes us “less likely to avoid the stimulus associated with the feelings in the first place.”

It’s easy to avoid the act of forgiving. We often feel justified when we hold onto wrongdoings of the past. “I was wronged! I’m right to be angry!” we stubbornly shout. And perhaps this is true. Yet what does it change to stay angry? All it does is perpetuate the negativity that occurred in the past. The greatest part of forgiveness is the empowerment it equips you with. You may have been wronged, or you may have wronged someone else, yet you also have the power to release yourself from the “already happened.” Don’t get stuck in the past. You have too many great things to build in the “right now” that are going to demand your full focus.

References

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php

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January 23, 2013 Patience: More Than A Virtue

If driving has taught me anything, it’s that we as a society are quick to drop our “patience is a virtue” mantra the moment we actually need it. Due to the increased speed of everything around us—faster cars, quicker communication, moment-by-moment news stories all day long—we aren’t very good at being patient.

Being impatient negatively impacts your life. It increases stress, which can lead to possible health problems down the road. According to an article in CNN, studies found a “correlation between having sense of time urgency and impatience (TUI) and an increased risk of hypertension and high blood pressure.”

Mentally and emotionally, impatience is both a result of and conducive to living selfishly. It is the little child’s voice we still live with, loudly shouting, “I need this, and I need it now!” Many never outgrow the terrible twos in this sense. When they don’t get their way in a prompt manner, they throw the forty year old version of a temper tantrum.

The fact is, you don’t need “it” now, whatever it may be. From something as trivial as a car in front of you missing a green light, to something as big as a job promotion, you can wait. Not only that, you should.

But why? We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” since we were little. Is there any real truth to this common saying?

Yes! Simply put, patient people are happier people.

In his book, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living, Allan Lokos points out the misconception many people have that “an emotional state is embedded in us and we can’t free ourselves from it.” In reality, people are much more complex than that.  Patience, just like dependability, honesty, and follow-through, is a learned behavior. Lokos stresses mindfulness, or being aware of a situation and your  reactions to it, as a way to develop a patient demeanor. “We sense impatience, annoyance and anger as they begin to arise within us and then we invite our calmer, wiser self to be present.”

Learning to live at peace in the moment isn’t always easy. But patience is a sign of emotional maturity as opposed to the selfish nature of impatience. Here are a few quick tips for those moments throughout the day that drive you crazy:

1. Breath and Relax. Most of us harbor tension and stress in our shoulders and arms without even realizing it. Teach yourself to stay loose throughout the day, as this will help you feel better and therefore less likely to become impatient.

2. Take a Step Out of the Situation. Is it that big of a deal? I mean, really. Will you even remember it at the end of the day? This is a good test to see if you tend toward becoming impatient over trivial things.

3. Distract Yourself With The Present Moment. Wow! You’re living right now! Where are you? What’s going on? Take a look around and realize that this moment is unique and special, and won’t ever be reproduced quite the same way. Instead of trying to speed up time, focus on things you actually have control over. One of them is your choice to be patient.

“”Study Says Patience Is More Than A Virture,” last modified November 20, 2002, http://articles.cnn.com/2002-11-20/health/type.a.heart_1_tui-impatience-young-adults?_s=PM:HEALTH

Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living (New York:Penguin) 2012: 19, 21.

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December 28, 2012 Making New Years Resolutions?

We’ve almost wrapped up 2012, and 2013 is quickly approaching. Consequently, New Years resolutions are on many of our minds. Have you made any? If you haven’t, that’s okay. In fact, I think we tend to make resolutions just to feel better about ourselves, which isn’t the best strategy for resolving to make changes.

If you do decide to make resolutions for the coming year, I’d like you to keep a few things in mind:

1. Keep your resolutions attitude-oriented, not goal oriented. This isn’t to say you can’t make goals and strive to achieve them. However, bad habits are usually the result of an underlying attitude about life. In the same way, healthy lifestyles don’t appear out of thin air, but are a reflection of a good life outlook. If you find it hard to keep up with your resolutions, try resolving to maintain a certain attitude this year. Perhaps you tend to view things negatively. Or maybe you don’t like confronting problems head-on. Both of these attitudes result in behaviors that most of us try to avoid: laziness, procrastination, defeatist-thinking, inability to follow-through, etc. Negative behaviors such as these can be more successfully tempered if we get to the root of the problem by changing our attitudes.

2. Be realistic. “This year, I’m going to triple my income.” “For 2013, I won’t make a single mistake at work.” “Even though I’ve never done it before, I’m going to learn how to climb mountains and set the world record for time it takes to scale Mount Everest.”

If these are the types of resolutions you’re planning for the new year, you may want to avoid making resolutions altogether. Although growth comes from pushing yourself past your comfort zone, there is always a cap on how much is possible. Setting goals that live outside the realm of possibility will only discourage you.

Instead, set goals that are simple. If you would like to eat better, for example, it’s okay to start with small modifications to your diet. With anything, being successful with the small stuff will give you the momentum to move on to more difficult goals. After slow, steady progress, you’ll see dramatic changes. Which leads me to my final tip…

3. Life changes (resolutions included) work best as incremental steps. If you decide to start running, you’re not going to remain at 5 miles a day starting January. You’ll naturally become faster and able to run farther distances. Any life change should work in this way. Begin with an end-game in mind, and take small, manageable steps to get there.

If your attitude is positive, your goals realistic, and if you’ve implemented a step-by-step process, I think you’ll do great with making any changes you feel are needed in your life. Remember, it’s not a competition, it’s not about looking good to other people, it’s about you taking ownership of your life and your desires.

I’m so excited to keep up the work with you all as we head into 2013.

Happy New Year!

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