Category Archives: Changing Your Life
March 27, 2013 Happiness Leads To Success (And Not The Other Way Around)
We tend to think that if we get that job, if we get that promotion, if we find our true love etc., etc., etc., then we will finally be completely, permanently happy.
But this is not true!
Shawn Achor, founder of Good Think Inc., explains why the success-then-happiness formula just plain does not work:
“Every time we hit a success, our brain moves the goalpost of where success is.”
You’ve surely experienced this for yourself. You got a job, for instance, and were elated…for a moment. Then your brain instantly went to the next step. “Okay, you got the job, but are you prepared for the job? Do you have all the resources needed to excel in the job? Is this even the right job for you? Will it lead to better opportunities?”
And in this way you went from feeling accomplished to feeling anxious, all in the blink of an eye.
You can see why grounding your happiness in your successes can become a problem.
The solution to this, although it may be much harder practiced than preached, is to reverse the order of success and happiness. Says Achor:
“If you reverse the formula by pursuing happiness first, you wind up with greater happiness and success.”
The science behind it all? As Achor explains, happiness releases dopamine in the brain. This chemical both leads you to seek out more happiness, and also “turns on every learning center in the brain,” thereby making you three times as creative. As we know, creativity tends to lead to success.
At first I thought this whole reversal of the formula thing sounded a bit too simple to be true. But it’s simplicity is what makes it a challenge to enact in real life. Our culture reinforces the idea that success is the answer to happiness all the time. We treat celebrities like royalty, because they have all the things society tells us give us happiness. At the end of almost any Hollywood movie, the protagonist overcomes a great obstacle and rides off into the sunset, where we are to assume that their success will give them contentment for the rest of their days.
Okay, so success doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness. But how do you reverse the formula?
“As I’ve come to see it, happiness is a work ethic…Happiness isn’t something that happens to you. Happiness is created.”
1. Journal. Your brain works in patterns. If you focus on negative aspects, your brain will form a worldview of negativity, which will become your default setting. By taking time out of your day to write down a few positive things in your life, you will slowly retrain your brain to see the positives. You’ll be happier.
2. Serve, Give, Love. Unhappy people are almost always turned inward. We are social creatures, made to interact. Although it may sound like the worst possible thing to do when you’re at your unhappiest, reaching out to others, serving your community, and building other people up will give you a greater sense of meaning and self-worth.
3. Pause. Our instinct when we are stressed is to push ourselves harder. This actually neglects the underlying problem by giving us an excuse in the form of a distraction. Force yourself to stop and be still. Perhaps this is the time for you to journal. Let go of your troubles, even if for a moment.
Achor, Shawn. “Scientific Proof That Happiness Is A Choice.” Accessed March 27, 2013. http://www.nextavenue.org/blog/scientific-proof-happiness-choice
Tags: How to Boost Self-Esteem, How to Change Your Life, Improving Relationships, Job Hunt Advice, Life Coaching, Lifelong Learning
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February 27, 2013 Take Another Look At Your Weak Points
The fact is, you have strengths. But you also have weaknesses that can get in the way of your goals. I’ve talked a lot about the importance of finding your strengths and developing the skill of being able to plug these into the world around you.
Today, I want to address your weaknesses.
Remember in high school, when your counselor encouraged you to be “well-rounded?” “Pick up an instrument if you’re an athlete,” they said. “Take up painting if you’ve never done it before.” Essentially, they prompted you to flesh out your world and your experiences.
At a certain point, whether we were in high school or college, we honed in on our strengths. We polished them, trained to be able to apply them and, as a result, our focus was taken away from other potential strengths.
I want to talk about the areas in our lives that we’ve abandoned during our drive toward our strengths. It is true we have strengths and weaknesses, yes, but this does not mean that we shouldn’t expand into other areas of interest.
And I don’t mean just pick up another hobby. Hobbies are great, but I’m thinking a bit bigger here. I’m thinking about treading into the dangerous waters. The places you’ve avoided because they were places that made you uncomfortable.
These are the places that truly test you and spurn growth. Staying attached to one strength or skill-set has its advantages, that’s for sure. You can become one of the best at whatever it is you do well. But in the meantime–and this is the downside–you lose a greater perspective of the world. This one life on this Earth contains an immense amount of opportunity, so why would you stick to one bitty corner the whole time?
You know by now that you’re not good at everything. But that doesn’t give you license to simply throw your hands up and say, “This isn’t my strong point,” every time you encounter a situation that plays to your weak points.
This week, consider things you aren’t so good at, and give them another try. You may surprise yourself; the story goes that Einstein failed math in grade school.
Keep on growing!
Tags: Career Coach Advice, Career Coaching, How to Boost Self-Esteem, How to Change Your Life, Improving Relationships, Life Coaching
February 19, 2013 Leading Through Positive Perception
This past week I attended a seminar given by Melissa DeLay, a communication and business coach, who spoke on the art of persuasive communication. I’ve touched on this topic myself in a past post, but I found her talk especially relevant to my interest in effective leadership.
DeLay stressed the importance of perception, specifically addressing how positive perception allows leaders to be better suited to close deals, increase loyalty and communicate with confidence, even in the most difficult situations.
We often feel pressured to say “yes” or “no”–to commit one way or another, she says, and this ultimately has an adverse effect on our productivity and personal happiness in the long run. Instead of hastily agreeing to a project, DeLay suggests we internalize what she calls “magical phrases,” which help accomplish the following:
1. They Buy Time. You’re not forced to decide on the spot when confronted with a proposal. These phrases give you a chance to weigh your options without committing prematurely.
2. They Defuse The Situation. In “sticky” situations that may fall anywhere between personal disagreements or declining on a proposal, magical phrases enable you to neutralize the situation.
3. They Make You Look Good. You aren’t committing to something and then going back on it later. You are in control.
So what are these “magical phrases” Ms. DeLay is talking about?
At their core, these phrases all contain three characteristics: They are authentic, considerate, and objective.
As a way to turn someone down, for instance, she offers this phrase: “I don’t see a match between what you’re focused on and what I’m focused on. I’m going to have to decline your offer.” Saying this shows that you understand and have thought the offer over, thereby demonstrating consideration. It shows that you’ve tried to be as objective as possible, in that you are attempting to distinguish between your focus and the focus of the individual making the offer. And, because it clearly states up front good reasoning for the decline, the statement expresses authenticity. In other words, even though you aren’t being rude, you aren’t sugar coating it either.
Other “magical phrases” DeLay shared during her talk:
“Let me give that some thought. I don’t want to make a hasty decision.”
“I’m deeply concerned about this because…”
“I don’t care to speculate; what I can say is…”
Each of these examples fulfills the core characteristics of the magical phrase: they are each authentic, considerate, and objective.
What struck me is the fact that in positions of leadership, we are often forced to juggle the roles of being mentor, manager, friend, employer, “bad guy,” and the list goes on. It is easy to feel trapped between these roles, not sure which one should be worn at what time. But DeLay’s “magical phrases” embody the basis of strong leadership, in that they are consistent, honest and transparent.
Tags: Career Coach Advice, Career Coaching, Confident Interviewing, Delegation, How to Boost Self-Esteem, Improving Relationships, Lifelong Learning
