Category Archives: Tips for Improving Interactions
April 5, 2023 Do You Overuse “I’m Sorry”?
As young children, most of us were taught good manners. Say please and thank you. Ask for permission. If you mess up or hurt someone, say, “I’m sorry.” While these lessons can be very helpful, sometimes they carry over into adulthood a little too strongly. Specifically, many of us end up apologizing for things that do not require an apology.
What do I mean?
Let’s say you’re in a meeting and someone presents incorrect data. You’re very familiar with the data that should have been presented, so you decide to speak up. Your inclination might be to say something like, “Sorry, but I have to weigh in here…” or “Sorry, but those numbers aren’t quite right…”
Who are you apologizing to? And why?
In truth, there’s no need to be sorry. You’re helping out the team by providing the correct data. The word “Sorry” makes it sound like you did something wrong or hurtful, when that isn’t the case. Instead, you might rephrase your statement to, “I’d like to provide some additional information…” or “If I may, I’d like to offer a different perspective…”
You also don’t need to apologize for technical difficulties, asking someone for clarification, or missing work due to an illness (or a child’s illness). Instead of saying, “Sorry, my microphone wasn’t working,” say, “Thank you for your patience while I dealt with tech issues.” Instead of saying, “Sorry I can’t come in today,” say, “I appreciate your flexibility.”
Why Do We Over Apologize?
There are a few different reasons why we might find ourselves overusing the word “Sorry.” We might be apologizing out of politeness or because we don’t want to impose on other people. We may not be sure of ourselves and feel like we need to back our statements up with an apology.
In some cases, apologizing too much can actually weaken our arguments. It gives off the perception that we are unsure of our statements, even if that’s not the case. It also takes away from our confidence and makes us come off as less assertive.
Women are especially guilty of “over apologizing.” A study by the University of Waterloo in Canada shows that women apologize much more frequently than men. The reason, they say, is because men “have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Women, take note! Speaking up during a meeting probably isn’t offensive. Having a different opinion, or showing up a few minutes late, or sneezing during a meeting isn’t offensive.
Taking Back Your Power
If you feel that you overuse “I’m sorry” in situations that don’t require an apology, take a step back and analyze your speech patterns. Pay attention to how often you use the word and if you’re using it when it’s unnecessary.
From there, try to change your language. Instead of apologizing, opt for phrases like “Thanks for understanding” or “I appreciate it.” You’ll sound more confident and in control of the discussion. Plus, it won’t take away your power or make it look like you’re trying to diminish your authority.
It is important to understand when an apology is necessary, and when it is not. Being aware of our language and speech patterns can help us realize if we are overusing the phrase “I’m sorry.” Changing our language to sound more confident and in control can be a powerful tool for assertiveness, and re-phrasing our statements with phrases can help us take back the power in those situations. Practicing these techniques can help make sure we know when an apology is truly necessary.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE.
Tags: don't over apologize, don't overuse I'm sorry, Margaret Smith business coach, margaret smith career coach, women over apologize, women say I'm sorry, workplace apology
March 1, 2023 The “I Already Won” Mentality
A version of this post was first published on March 10, 2021.
How do you feel when you know something is a “sure thing?” When actions are so familiar and easy—driving a car, making a familiar recipe, doing a daily task at work—you do them almost automatically. You know you’ll achieve what you’ve set out to do. These everyday, routine tasks can be thought of as wins—tiny victories that are a sure bet.
But what if we dared to believe that other, bigger actions were also wins? What if we assumed we will give a flawless presentation, sign on a new client, or solve a problem?
There’s a certain amount of confidence and ease that accompanies this “I already won” mentality. If you’re certain, for instance, that you’re going to sign on a new client, your body language, tone, and the content of your speech changes. You convey that this action will happen. It’s inevitable.
Using the above example, you might start speaking to the potential new client using different language and terms. You might say, “When we start working together,” instead of “If we end up working together.” Or, you might say, “You’re going to love X, Y, and Z,” instead of, “If we work together, you’ll enjoy X, Y, and Z.”
Using stronger, more confident language is only one positive side effect of an “I already won” mentality. You’ll also find that your body language changes. You may become more relaxed and less anxious or tense. You won’t sound desperate to land the client or nervous that you said the wrong thing. When your body language relaxes, you’ll end up seeming more approachable and inviting—qualities people tend to appreciate.
When you’re confident that you will achieve a certain victory, you start moving beyond the stage where you worry and fret about the outcome and begin thinking about what you will do once you’ve accomplished what you’ve set out to do. This way of thinking is productive and forward-looking.
And what happens if you DO fail?
It’s bound to happen at some point, but my best advice is this: Don’t dwell on it. It likely wasn’t your confidence or approachability that was the problem; it was something else. Maybe a potential client simply couldn’t afford your offering. Maybe you didn’t get that promotion because you needed to have a certain certificate. Maybe the timing simply wasn’t right. Whatever the case, it’s best to pick yourself up, re-strategize, and keep moving forward.
With confidence.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE.
Tags: confidence and success, confidence-boosting techniques, I already won mentality, margaret smith career coach, Margaret Smith life coach, positive mentality, winning mentality
November 16, 2022 5 Easy Ways to Show Gratitude
In the past, I’ve discussed the importance of gratitude (in short, it’s can make a HUGE difference in your productivity, work and personal relationships, and mentality), but this week I wanted to focus on gratitude ACTIONS. What are some ways you can show gratitude to others?
First of all, WHY is it important to show gratitude to others?
According to David Horsager, author of The Trust Edge, gratitude is the number one magnetic trait that attracts others to you. Additionally, when you show others gratitude, they feel appreciated and are more likely to want to help you in the future. This may seem obvious, but it’s a simple truth we often forget. People appreciate visible signs of gratitude.
Get started by trying out any of the 5 approaches below:
1. Say (and Write) Thank You.
Even if you act grateful (enjoying your meal, praising the work someone did, etc.), that’s not quite the same as actually saying, “Thank you.” These two words are worth a lot, especially when said with meaning. And don’t forget the power of a handwritten thank you note. It’s a gesture that shows you care enough about the other person that you took time out of your busy day to write something thoughtful.
During my career at 3M, I occasionally wrote thank you notes to the members of my sales team. I figured they would read them and eventually toss them, but one day I learned that one of my team members kept the thank you notes in his vehicle and glanced at them when he needed a morale boost. I knew thank you’s could be powerful, but this blew me away! You never know what your thank you might achieve.
2. Listen
Too often, we are so busy with all the thoughts in our own heads that we miss what others are saying. Show the person across the table from you that you are grateful for their presence. Sincerely listen to what they have to say before jumping in with your own story or opinion.
3. Extend an Invitation and Follow Through
If there is someone at the office (or perhaps an old friend or relative) with whom you’d like to connect, reach out to them! Too often, we become comfortable in our own cozy bubbles and forget the people at the peripheries of our lives. It’s as simple as asking someone to lunch or a quick cup of coffee. It’s not as scary or awkward as it sounds—turns out, people are almost always receptive to connecting with an old acquaintance.
4. Lend a Hand
Whether it’s cleaning up the dishes after a friend’s holiday party or offering to help your administrative assistant prepare for the next office get together, it’s always nice to give others support by helping out. (Bonus points if you also thank them for their hard work.)
5. Acknowledge Others’ Successes
It could be a co-worker, it could be your son or daughter—practice showing gratitude to others by acknowledging their good work. You could do this publicly (i.e. in a company meeting or when you’re gathered together at lunch) or privately. Share a specific example of what that person did or accomplished and let them know you appreciate their excellent work.
During this holiday season, let’s make an extra effort to show others gratitude—be they co-workers, family, or friends. Not only will your efforts be appreciated, you’re also helping to strengthen bonds, improve relationships, and set the tone for a positive path forward.
THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post. I appreciate it!
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE
Tags: demonstrate gratitude, easy ways to show gratitude, gratitude and leadership, gratitude at work, margaret smith leadership, Margaret Smith life coach
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