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Category Archives: Changing Your Life

October 10, 2012 Slaying The Mythical Dream Job Beast

What To Do With My Life?  This is the feared question–poking at the backs of our brains, causing lost sleep, nibbled nails, much contemplation, option-weighing and stressing…

And it’s a question that is rarely answered, because it’s an unfair question to ask ourselves. It’s far too broad, as it assumes that we can know the future.  It assumes that satisfaction in life comes from finding the “dream job,” and once we find this mythical creature, our search for meaning and happiness will be fulfilled once and for all.

In reality, there are no dream jobs. Well, let me step back and clarify: there are no perfect jobs. Those who’d call their job a “dream job” create their sense of satisfaction for themselves, as opposed to searching passively for a perfect fit. Every job has its drawbacks and annoyances, yet every job also has potential to be satisfying. It’s all about how you look at it.

So, how do we find a rewarding, challenging, fulfilling job when this daunting question seems so large and unanswerable?

Ask a new question: What can I do today that satisfies my needs and desires?

Claremount Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi introduces a new term to the discussion, “flow,” to describe the phenomenon of people losing themselves in the moment while doing activities they enjoy:

People in flow may be sewing up a storm, doing brain surgery, playing a musical instrument or working a hard puzzle with their child. The impact is the same: A life of many activities in flow is likely to be a life of great satisfaction, Csikszentmihalyi says. And you don’t have to be a hotshot to get there.

Ostensibly, flow happens during any activity, the key being that it allows us to turn off the brain and exist within the moment. We can all think of examples in lives that demonstrate “flow.” Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, writing reports or doing roadside construction, we’ve all had the experience of being so immersed in a task that we’d lost track of time, or suddenly realized that we hadn’t given a second thought to daily life stresses. Applying this concept to the “dream job” question offers a few insights:

Refocusing your search to the small, seemingly “inconsequential” tasks that you enjoy will reap big rewards. When flow kicks in, we don’t worry over what the future holds or how we compare to the next guy. Instead, we focus on the task at hand and are rewarded by the immediacy of the experience. In this way, you should pursue jobs that emphasize actions that you tend to get lost in. Be it art, business, education or horseshoeing, don’t be afraid to chase after the things that allow you to lose track of the time.

If you’re in the career you love, but have experienced feelings of disillusionment or boredom, remember: any job has aspects that you can make your own. If you are a salesperson, make a point to become as invested in your customers as you can be. If you are a computer programmer, do everything in your power to make the most efficient, elegant program. Whatever it is, don’t let boredom or routine distract you from the great gift you have.

If you are unemployed now, don’t let perceived “failures” to land a job detract from the other great opportunities life offers. You are just as capable as any other person to experience life’s beauty. Keep looking for work, and don’t let rejection take hold of your principles. At the same time, use the time you have to get lost in other great tasks. This can be difficult, I know. It is hard to enjoy things in the moment when you constantly worry about making payments or supporting a family. Even so, if you keep trying and putting forth your best self, chances are you’ll land back on your feet eventually.  And when you are, you’ll look back on your time of unemployment as a time of reflection and re-positioning. And you’ll be better because of it.

Remember: life isn’t tomorrow, it’s right now. Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert agrees, stating: “If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn’t know how much you would like it when you got there.” Thus, live in flow today!

USA Today. “Psychologists now know what makes people happy.” Last modified December 10, 2002. Accessed October 9, 2012. http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2002-12-8-happy-main_x.htm

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September 26, 2012 The Power of Assertive Living

Assertiveness may be the most important and influential personal strength you can possess not only for your career, but for every facet of your life. Being assertive increases self-esteem and opens positive lines of communication to those around you. This post will address what being assertive looks and feels like, and common misconceptions about what assertiveness is.

Falling in between passiveness and aggressiveness, assertiveness embodies the best of each of these ultimately negative behaviors. For instance, passiveness “violates [one’s] own rights,” while “others needs are given priority” (Centre for Clinical Intervention). On the other end of the spectrum, aggressive behavior “violates the rights of others,” giving one’s own needs priority at other people’s expense.

Being assertive, contrary to common opinion, is not the same thing as being aggressive. In fact, assertiveness effectively respects the needs of the self and of others. It ensures a consistency between what you are truly feeling and what you are communicating, both verbally and non-verbally. But unlike aggressive behavior, it describes your needs without violating the needs of others.

To illustrate, let’s see how these different behaviors look in practice.

Passive

Verbal communication:

-Long pauses, frequent apologies in a soft, unsteady voice

-Self-dismissals (“It doesn’t really matter, but…”)

-Frequent use of fill-in words, like “um,” “maybe,” “sort of”

Non-verbal communication:

-Averting eye contact

-Slouched posture

-Arms crossed for protection

-Smiling when angry

Effects of passive attitude:

-Your true feelings are not adequately expressed, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and frustrated with yourself

-You fall into a habit of neglecting your own needs and rights in order to please people in the short term, yet your relationships in the long term may be weakened due to a lack of true communication

-People may begin to take advantage of how you over-commit

Aggressive

Verbal Communication:

-Sarcastic, condescending voice

-Abrupt, clipped speed and tone in speech

-Use of put-downs

-Boastfulness

-Opinions stated as fact

Non-verbal Communication:

-Invading others space

-Finger-pointing, fist-clenching, clenched jaw

-Pacing impatiently

Effects of aggressive attitude:

-You’ll often get your way and feel powerful as a result

-However, your neglect of others needs can create enemies and burn bridges, which can lower self esteem and will probably ruin relationships in the long run

Assertive

Verbal Communication:

-Calm, steady voice

-Clear and direct language

-Short and to the point sentences

-“I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I need”)

Non-verbal Communication:

-Maintaining eye contact without staring open posture

-Facial features honestly reflect your feelings

Effects of assertive attitude:

-Both parties understand what you need

-You feel satisfied that you’ve clearly expressed yourself; your self esteem will raise as a result

-Others respect you for respecting yourself

-You won’t be able to please everyone, true, but at least everyone is on the same page

-Being assertive doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want all of the time, but being up front about how you feel will help you in the long run

Manuel J. Smith’s book “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” lays out his “bill of assertive rights,” which can help you remember how to avoid falling into a passive or aggressive pattern of behavior:

  • “You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself”
  • “You have the right to say ‘no’”
  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior”
  • “You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them”
  • “You have the right to change your mind”
  • “You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion” (Smith 1975)

Adhering to these rights ensures that you’re taking care of your own needs. However, it is important to remember that part of Smith’s “assertive rights” also means taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions. In practice, this means you must remember to state your needs respectfully and learn to negotiate with others. A lot of times you will encounter conflicts. But by being up front and confident about what you desire in any given circumstance, you will be much more aptly suited to making real progress in whatever you pursue.

If you feel you could work on being more assertive, remember that modifying behaviors takes time. Go easy on yourself as you create new positive habits. Use the “assertive rights” as reminders, and keep track of your progress. You’ll do great.

Centre for Clinical Intervention. Assert Yourself! Improving Your Assertiveness.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Smith, Manuel J. 1975. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

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September 12, 2012 A Post On Procrastination (If You Get Around To Reading It)

Most of us can identify with the term “procrastinator.” When a deadline looms on the horizon, when unpaid bills begin to pile up on the desk, when the task at the top of the priority list nibbles at the back of our brains, a very common inclination is to just put it off. “Tomorrow, I’ll get going on the house project,” we tell ourselves. “Next week I’ll tackle that research for the upcoming presentation.” From experience, we know that procrastination leads to feelings of anxiety, guilt and low self-esteem. So why do we keep putting ourselves through this?

John Perry, Professor of philosophy at Stanford University, tackles the problem of procrastination in his book, The Art of Procrastination. His big idea is that we should turn procrastination into a positive habit with what he calls structured procrastination.

All procrastinators put off things they have to do. Structured procrastination is the art of making this negative trait work for you.  (2012)

Perry continues, stating that procrastinating “does not mean doing absolutely nothing. Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, such as gardening or sharpening pencils or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it.” Becoming aware of this minimizes the voice in our head that tells us we are lazy or unproductive. Instead of feeling depressed over procrastinating on one task, we can point to a whole heap of accomplished tasks that demonstrate how useful and effective we really are. These may not be the things we were “supposed” to have been doing, but any accomplished goal warrants feeling good about.

Yet how should the procrastinator deal with the big, scary, looming task itself? Perry suspects that procrastination may in fact be the result of perfectionism: “Many procrastinators do not realize that they are perfectionists, for the simple reason that we have never done anything perfectly or even nearly so.” Perfectionism “is a matter of fantasy, not reality.”

Often the procrastinator feels paralyzed by the unrealistically high standards they set for themselves. The project feels too big; it seems unclear where to even begin.  And as the days toward the deadline fly by, the procrastinator busies themselves with other tasks as a way to justify not working on what they are supposed to be working on.

To combat this, we should do a bit of a reality check: “You have to get into the habit of forcing yourself to analyze, at the time you accept a task, the costs and benefits of doing a less-than-perfect job.” In other words, we need to implement a realistic perspective of our abilities and time constraints. To do this, we must first realize that the fantasy of perfection is just that: a fantasy. More often than not, “a less-than-perfect job will do just fine,” says Perry. This is not to advocate mediocre work. Instead, this outlook points out the simple fact that nobody on the face of the planet has ever done anything perfectly. With this in mind, it becomes easier for the procrastinator (who very well may also be the perfectionist) to free themselves from unrealistic fantasies, and sit down and get to work.

All in all, procrastination can be a negative force in your life if you make it one. Or, it can be a helpful tool. If you’re feeling rotten about having put off something important, make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished during this time. You may surprise yourself with how big the list can get. Allow yourself to feel good about these accomplishments! Were you doing all those things to avoid something else? Perhaps, but that doesn’t take away from the good work you’ve done in other areas of your life. Now you have positive momentum, so use it to start the thing you’ve been avoiding. Free yourself from the fantasy of perfection, and be confident that by stressing over the work, you’re demonstrating that you care about the outcome. Good work will follow.

Perry, John. Date. The Art of Procrastination. New York: Workman Publishing Company, Inc.

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