April 5, 2023 Do You Overuse “I’m Sorry”?
As young children, most of us were taught good manners. Say please and thank you. Ask for permission. If you mess up or hurt someone, say, “I’m sorry.” While these lessons can be very helpful, sometimes they carry over into adulthood a little too strongly. Specifically, many of us end up apologizing for things that do not require an apology.
What do I mean?
Let’s say you’re in a meeting and someone presents incorrect data. You’re very familiar with the data that should have been presented, so you decide to speak up. Your inclination might be to say something like, “Sorry, but I have to weigh in here…” or “Sorry, but those numbers aren’t quite right…”
Who are you apologizing to? And why?
In truth, there’s no need to be sorry. You’re helping out the team by providing the correct data. The word “Sorry” makes it sound like you did something wrong or hurtful, when that isn’t the case. Instead, you might rephrase your statement to, “I’d like to provide some additional information…” or “If I may, I’d like to offer a different perspective…”
You also don’t need to apologize for technical difficulties, asking someone for clarification, or missing work due to an illness (or a child’s illness). Instead of saying, “Sorry, my microphone wasn’t working,” say, “Thank you for your patience while I dealt with tech issues.” Instead of saying, “Sorry I can’t come in today,” say, “I appreciate your flexibility.”
Why Do We Over Apologize?
There are a few different reasons why we might find ourselves overusing the word “Sorry.” We might be apologizing out of politeness or because we don’t want to impose on other people. We may not be sure of ourselves and feel like we need to back our statements up with an apology.
In some cases, apologizing too much can actually weaken our arguments. It gives off the perception that we are unsure of our statements, even if that’s not the case. It also takes away from our confidence and makes us come off as less assertive.
Women are especially guilty of “over apologizing.” A study by the University of Waterloo in Canada shows that women apologize much more frequently than men. The reason, they say, is because men “have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Women, take note! Speaking up during a meeting probably isn’t offensive. Having a different opinion, or showing up a few minutes late, or sneezing during a meeting isn’t offensive.
Taking Back Your Power
If you feel that you overuse “I’m sorry” in situations that don’t require an apology, take a step back and analyze your speech patterns. Pay attention to how often you use the word and if you’re using it when it’s unnecessary.
From there, try to change your language. Instead of apologizing, opt for phrases like “Thanks for understanding” or “I appreciate it.” You’ll sound more confident and in control of the discussion. Plus, it won’t take away your power or make it look like you’re trying to diminish your authority.
It is important to understand when an apology is necessary, and when it is not. Being aware of our language and speech patterns can help us realize if we are overusing the phrase “I’m sorry.” Changing our language to sound more confident and in control can be a powerful tool for assertiveness, and re-phrasing our statements with phrases can help us take back the power in those situations. Practicing these techniques can help make sure we know when an apology is truly necessary.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE.
Tags: don't over apologize, don't overuse I'm sorry, Margaret Smith business coach, margaret smith career coach, women over apologize, women say I'm sorry, workplace apology
March 29, 2023 Break the rules! (By following them first)
A version of this article was first published on August 28, 2019.
“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
Dale Carnegie
I get it. You’re excited about your new position or role, and you want to get in there and shake things up! You see systems that are outdated, processes that don’t make sense, and a million opportunities to improve the current system and make positive change. And that’s great, except…
You may want to pump the brakes.
Why, you ask? Because even though you’re enthusiastic, motivated, and your heart is in the right place, others may not see it that way. Before you start demanding change, you have to prove your mettle. Demonstrate that you can thrive within the system before you go about trying to change it. Show that you have a deep understanding of your company and your role before you bring forward ideas for improving things. Easing into change is as good idea for three reasons:
ONE: It gives you a chance to build your credibility.
People will see that you’re dedicated to your job, perform well, and work well with others. Do your best work, do it on time, and show that you are a trusted partner (instead of combative and subversive).
TWO: It helps you build an alliance.
It’s difficult to make change on your own, and nearly impossible if you don’t have others’ support. As you start thinking about ways to amend the status quo, be sure to make friends, ask for advice, and gather others’ thoughts and opinions. Not only will you be more likely to rally support behind your cause, you will also gain others’ perspectives on the issue, which will help strengthen your plan of action.
THREE: It gives you time to learn about the status quo, what works, and what doesn’t.
While it’s tempting to barge in and overhaul an entire system that seems to be flawed, it’s a good idea to pause and study the system you’re attempting to fix. Are parts actually working? Are certain things going well for certain people? Will there be resistance to change? If so, why? Taking the time to study the current mode of operations will help you understand the greatest flaws and greatest assets of the system, and what should be fixed first. Your thoughtful approach will also demonstrate respect to those who have been working within the current system for years, and have not (for whatever reason) acted to improve it. Change can be a touchy thing, and you certainly don’t want to imply that everyone has been doing things wrong, and you’re the one with all the answers.
In short, don’t kick over the beehive when you begin a new role. Ease into it, learn how things are done, and start gathering information about what works and what doesn’t. Then, test the waters by floating ideas past others. Build your alliance, and then take action. With this methodical approach, you’re bound to gather some honey, rather than a few angry stings!
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE.
Tags: breaking workplace rules, creating change at work, enacting change in workplace, follow rules first, follow rules then break rules, margaret smith career coach, Margaret Smith Minneapolis career coach
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- Posted under Communication, Goals, Thrive at Work
March 22, 2023 Why Young Workers Quit (And how to retain them)
A version of this post was first published in September, 2019
I often hear people complaining about the “new generation” of workers as being disloyal to the company. They change jobs like gym shorts and can’t commit to a single business for more than a few years. While that may be true, have you ever stopped to think about WHY that’s the case?
1. Stagnant Wages
For many young and not-so-young (the oldest Millennials are in their 40s now) people, the workplace landscape is MUCH different than it was when Boomers and Gen Xers began their careers. Wages have stagnated and benefits aren’t what they used to be. In many cases, the only way to get a raise is to negotiate one by switching jobs.
Solution?
Make sure your business is competitive. Offer fair wages, and regularly give raises that account for cost-of-living increases. In addition, make sure your list of benefits is attractive and competitive in the industry.
2. Boredom
“But what about their short attention spans!?” you might say. “We can’t seem to capture their interest.”
Sure, job boredom may play a role in Gen Z and Millennial job-hopping, but this is often a preventable woe. If more than one or two of your staff seem bored or distracted, it’s probable there’s something systemic going on. It may be that…
- They are not well-suited for their role.
- They are so efficient that they complete their workload much faster than previous generations of workers.
- They have checked out because they feel like they don’t fit in in the workplace.
- They have checked out because they don’t think they have a voice.
Solution?
In all these scenarios, communication can help prevent boredom. Regularly check in with your staff and make sure they are feeling engaged and supported. Give them the space to express how they are feeling and vocalize what they’d like to see changed. Then, work with them to strategize ways to make positive changes.
If your young workers are checking out because they feel like they don’t fit in, counter that by encouraging team-building workshops (consider Insights Discovery as a starting point), after-work outings, or collaborative projects. Pay attention and make sure your seasoned workers are giving the newer workers a voice.
3. Feeling Lost
According to a study of 6,900 young people, Gen Zers are actively seeking mentorship at work. The vast majority (82%) want a boss who cares about them and can “relate to them on issues beyond work.” They also crave guidance during this early and formative stage of their career.
Solution?
The guidance this younger generation is seeking can come in the form of mentorship or sponsorship. Establishing a mentorship program does not have to be terribly involved. Rather, it can be as simple as aligning experienced workers with less experienced workers, advising them to meet once per month, and (if you’re a leader or HR rep) checking in with them every once in a while. I’ve talked about how to start a mentoring cohort in a past blog post, and have also provided steps to find one’s “perfect mentor.”
4. Lack of Freedom
Nobody likes it when others look over their shoulders to supervise their work. It conjures images of elementary school, when teachers had to keep a classroom of rambunctious youngsters in line in addition to teaching multiplication tables. Such treatment in the workplace could induce anxiety and the feeling of being hemmed in. No one works well under that kind of pressure.
Solution?
Your staff are not elementary children and should not be treated as such. It’s a good idea to demonstrate trust in your team by giving them a long leash when it comes to projects, minimizing your involvement, and being open to different styles of working and different solutions.
Another thing: consider allowing your staff to occasionally work from home. We live in a time where technology enables many people to work remotely on at least some of their projects. As long as the work is being done, who cares if they work in their pajamas?
If you have a retention problem, ask yourself if any (or all!) of these four factors are coming into play, and then DO something! I’m here to help.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE.
Tags: better workplace for Gen Z, margaret smith career coach, Margaret Smith Minneapolis career coach, retain Gen Z workers, retain Millennial workers, retain young workers, why young workers quit
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- Posted under Better Business, Leadership, Organization
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