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“Creating Successful Leaders”

October 3, 2012 Getting Ahead With Good Habits

We all know that good habits reap goodness in our lives and that bad ones do the opposite. As many of us have experienced, bad habits can have lasting, damaging effects. But like many things, forming good, healthy habits is easier said than done. It’s easy to resolve to change things for the better, but it’s much harder to stick with it over the course of time. The dilemma, it seems, is finding ways to sustain a lifestyle of healthy habits.

In “The Power of Focus,”  authors Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt (all three successful businessman and entrepreneurs) offer a formula for habits. Let’s take a look at the three points they lay out for us:

“1. Clearly Identify Your Bad Or Unproductive Habits”

Canfield, Hansen and Hewitt stress that the key to identifying bad habits is being honest about long term consequences, not necessarily things that would show up tomorrow. “The real impact could be years away,” they point out. It’s easy to ignore bad habits that don’t have immediate consequences, but that’s exactly where their power takes hold of our lives. We must instead look ahead and see how the choices we make now will impact the future.

“2. Define Your New Succesful Habit”

In the same way we looked to the future when identifying bad habits, we’ll also look forward when we implement good habits. Looking forward “helps you create a clear picture of what this new habit will do for you. The more vividly you describe the benefits, the more likely you are to take action.” Again, this is the way we stay strong with good habits: picturing the rewards and aiming for them. Take the time to sit down and map out your new set of good habits, thinking about the great things you will achieve when you adopt them. It’s good to start small, so don’t overwhelm yourself with tackling multiples habits at once. After all, the brain can only handle so much! Focus on one habit at a time, only moving on when you feel that you’ve successfully installed it into your routine.

“3. Create A Three-Part Action Plan”

You’ve honed in on areas in your life you want to improve, deciding to take different (usually opposite) courses of action to beat out bad habits. Now, you’re ready to get the ball rolling. Take the time to “make a decision about which specific actions you are going to implement.” Each person’s three-part plan will be slightly different, and it is up to you to determine what works best for you. Some people’s three-part plans might actually have five parts to them, since the number of steps isn’t really what’s important. The important thing is that you visual specific actions. How can you really realize your goal of implementing a new habit? What actions will boost chances of success? The action plan will propell you from visualizing changes you wish to see, to actually feeling empowered to make them. What’s more, having a written copy of your plan works great as a visual reminder or reference for those days you’d like to slip back into bad habits.

Vital to the success of your action plan: setting a start date.

Canfield, Hansen and Hewitt use the example of someone who takes too much work home on the weekends. They look honestly at the consequences of this habit (“Family time restricted, feeling guilty, important relationships become polarized”), visualize the benefits freeing up the weekend completely (“more relaxed, reduced stress levels, create unique family experiences”), and make an action plan to get there:

1. Design my work better by not overcommitting.

2. Delegate secondary tasks to staff to free up my time.

3. Have my family keep me accountable. No golf if I don’t follow through!

Start Date: February 3rd

As with any change we make in our lives, repetition is key. To make better habits, you’ll have to keep fighting the brainless tendency we have to continue the bad habits we’ve created. This may be annoying at first, but if you stick to the action plan and keep your focus toward the future, you’ll soon find that you’re actually doing the good habits without having to think about them. Think about how good that will feel!

Canfield, Jack, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt. The Power of Focus. Florida: Health Communications, 2011.

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September 26, 2012 The Power of Assertive Living

Assertiveness may be the most important and influential personal strength you can possess not only for your career, but for every facet of your life. Being assertive increases self-esteem and opens positive lines of communication to those around you. This post will address what being assertive looks and feels like, and common misconceptions about what assertiveness is.

Falling in between passiveness and aggressiveness, assertiveness embodies the best of each of these ultimately negative behaviors. For instance, passiveness “violates [one’s] own rights,” while “others needs are given priority” (Centre for Clinical Intervention). On the other end of the spectrum, aggressive behavior “violates the rights of others,” giving one’s own needs priority at other people’s expense.

Being assertive, contrary to common opinion, is not the same thing as being aggressive. In fact, assertiveness effectively respects the needs of the self and of others. It ensures a consistency between what you are truly feeling and what you are communicating, both verbally and non-verbally. But unlike aggressive behavior, it describes your needs without violating the needs of others.

To illustrate, let’s see how these different behaviors look in practice.

Passive

Verbal communication:

-Long pauses, frequent apologies in a soft, unsteady voice

-Self-dismissals (“It doesn’t really matter, but…”)

-Frequent use of fill-in words, like “um,” “maybe,” “sort of”

Non-verbal communication:

-Averting eye contact

-Slouched posture

-Arms crossed for protection

-Smiling when angry

Effects of passive attitude:

-Your true feelings are not adequately expressed, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and frustrated with yourself

-You fall into a habit of neglecting your own needs and rights in order to please people in the short term, yet your relationships in the long term may be weakened due to a lack of true communication

-People may begin to take advantage of how you over-commit

Aggressive

Verbal Communication:

-Sarcastic, condescending voice

-Abrupt, clipped speed and tone in speech

-Use of put-downs

-Boastfulness

-Opinions stated as fact

Non-verbal Communication:

-Invading others space

-Finger-pointing, fist-clenching, clenched jaw

-Pacing impatiently

Effects of aggressive attitude:

-You’ll often get your way and feel powerful as a result

-However, your neglect of others needs can create enemies and burn bridges, which can lower self esteem and will probably ruin relationships in the long run

Assertive

Verbal Communication:

-Calm, steady voice

-Clear and direct language

-Short and to the point sentences

-“I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I need”)

Non-verbal Communication:

-Maintaining eye contact without staring open posture

-Facial features honestly reflect your feelings

Effects of assertive attitude:

-Both parties understand what you need

-You feel satisfied that you’ve clearly expressed yourself; your self esteem will raise as a result

-Others respect you for respecting yourself

-You won’t be able to please everyone, true, but at least everyone is on the same page

-Being assertive doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want all of the time, but being up front about how you feel will help you in the long run

Manuel J. Smith’s book “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” lays out his “bill of assertive rights,” which can help you remember how to avoid falling into a passive or aggressive pattern of behavior:

  • “You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself”
  • “You have the right to say ‘no’”
  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior”
  • “You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them”
  • “You have the right to change your mind”
  • “You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion” (Smith 1975)

Adhering to these rights ensures that you’re taking care of your own needs. However, it is important to remember that part of Smith’s “assertive rights” also means taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions. In practice, this means you must remember to state your needs respectfully and learn to negotiate with others. A lot of times you will encounter conflicts. But by being up front and confident about what you desire in any given circumstance, you will be much more aptly suited to making real progress in whatever you pursue.

If you feel you could work on being more assertive, remember that modifying behaviors takes time. Go easy on yourself as you create new positive habits. Use the “assertive rights” as reminders, and keep track of your progress. You’ll do great.

Centre for Clinical Intervention. Assert Yourself! Improving Your Assertiveness.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Smith, Manuel J. 1975. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

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September 19, 2012 How To Manage Perfectionist Tendencies

Last post’s emphasis was on procrastination, but also touched on how perfectionism comes into play. I figured going more into perfectionist tendencies would be a good idea, as I see it as a negative force in many people’s lives.

Our society greatly emphasizes perfection, or striving toward perfection, so it’s very common for people to feel that they need to do everything without flaw.

The perfectionist thinks in all-or-nothings. If something they do doesn’t live up to perfect standards (which, if you read the previous post, translates to impossible standards), then they believe they are a failure and their efforts were a complete waste. This becomes a vicious cycle: the perfectionist sets unrealistic goals, fails to achieve them, feels that they failed utterly, and becomes discouraged and less confident in their ability to succeed in future endeavors.

Even when a perfectionist does great work, they have trouble seeing it as success, because their work will always appear sub par alongside the unrealistic expectations they set for themselves.

In fact, perfectionism hinders productivity as a result of this mental cycle. Those who set realistic goals are more able to perform because their goals are strategic, manageable, incremental. On the flip side, perfectionists are often so overwhelmed with their need to get everything perfect that they have trouble getting started. Perfectionist paralysis.

A few ways to get past this paralysis are:

1. Breaking down your task into bite-size chunks. Even breaking it up into one component per day works well. If you make a list to coincide with your breakdown, you’ll also have the pleasure of being able to check off accomplishments as you go.

2. Giving yourself some space from your work. This helps you keep the task in perspective. It is only a task, whatever it may be, however important, and you are not the task. Your value as a person is not tied to how well you perform.

3. Providing ample time to nitpick. If you know that you fuss over the details, break your work into two general categories: the “just getting it done and not thinking” work, and the “going back over and obsessively getting it right” work. This way, you’ll be able to move forward without worrying about how perfect it is, since you know you’ll have time to get it great after it’s all thrown together.

4. Knowing when to let it go. At some point, you’re going to need to stop your task and turn it in if it’s an assignment, deliver it if it’s a speech or presentation, or finish it in whichever other way you finish it. It will never be perfect, since nothing is perfect. You must learn to let go and trust you’ve done your best.

If perfectionist traits apply to you, remember: you simply cannot be good at everything. Some people will always be better-suited for particular skills than you. And this is okay! This is okay because your value is not determined by doing things perfectly, and if you tend to think this way, you’ll only continue to feel disappointed in yourself. This is also okay because once you accept your weaknesses, you’ll be able to know your limits, set more reasonable goals, and hone in on the areas in which you thrive.

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