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“Creating Successful Leaders”

December 5, 2012 Thankfulness: The Antidote to Holiday Stress

Well, Thanksgiving is over and the Holiday season has kicked into full gear. Stores are playing Christmas music nonstop, Starbucks has switched their cups over to their holiday color scheme, Christmas lists cover the front of refrigerators everywhere, and for those of us who live in Minnesota, we’re beginning to experience that familiar, tundra-like weather our state is known for.

Holidays are meant to be relaxing, warm and joyful; a time to reflect and commune with friends and family. But for most of us, stress is a big factor in preparing for the holidays, which makes it difficult to keep the whole point in sight.

I think thankfulness is a great antidote to holiday stress. Yes, Thanksgiving has passed, but does that mean we should reserve feeling thankful for our blessings to just one day?

Of course not!

As you take on the tasks of coordinating dinners with relatives, filling up the calender with baking, shopping, cleaning and decorating, keep the word “thankful” at the front of your mind. You have a home to decorate. You have friends and family to be with. You have a year’s worth of trials, challenges and victories to share with those you love.

Perhaps you read this blog because you’ve had trouble with either finding a job or with finding joy in the job you have. If so, maybe the holiday season for you is a time to gain perspective. Life can be trying, but with every failure comes new-found strength and wisdom. There is always opportunity, even in these tough times. And we should be thankful for everything we have, no matter the circumstances.

And believe me, I’m no expert on this. I’m not immune to holiday stress. But I’ve made a point to tell myself, “I don’t have to pick up my son from the airport, I get to.” Replacing the word “have” with “get” is a simple, yet effective way to change my attitude from stressed to thankful. With everything I do in preparation, I try to say, “I’m thankful for the chance to give gifts of love to my friends and family. I’m thankful for the opportunity to open my home to loved ones and provide a warm and happy space. I’m thankful for this time to reflect and grow as I look back on the year’s accomplishments and shortcomings.”

And you know what? I truly am thankful for these things. It’s just a matter of reminding myself of this, instead of getting lost in the distraction of the holiday bustle. When I dwell on my gratitude, I find that my stress and anxiety diminish, enabling me to embrace the true holiday spirit.

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November 28, 2012 Where Do Courage and Vulnerability Meet?

In her new book, Daring Greatly, psychologist and speaker Brené Brown shares a surprising revelation: courage comes from being vulnerable.

At first, this confused me. Isn’t courage about inner strength? About self-confidence and boldness? Where does vulnerability fit in a courageous life?

But Brown makes an important clarification early on: “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure everyday are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement.”

The act of living will always bring uncertainty, risk and the likelihood of being letdown. We are all vulnerable. So, our options are to either learn to deal with this, or to construct barriers trying to avoid it.

While we instinctively tend toward the latter as a way to fight against our imperfections, this is actually a sign of our “fear and disconnection.” Yet Brown says we can measure our courage by how fully we engage in the world despite the fact this makes us vulnerable.

We don’t have enough time to perfect ourselves or become immune to vulnerability. Yet even if we did, would it be worth sacrificing countless enriching life experiences just to avoid getting our feathers rustled every so often?

“Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.”

Courage, then, results naturally from embracing our vulnerability. But what does this look like on a daily level?

1. Allow yourself (and others) room to fail. While it is important to have high standards, you shouldn’t set them too high so as to leave no space for messing up. Messing up is how we grow. Whether these are standards for yourself, for your friends, your children or your coworkers, be sure that you leave some wiggle room. Build your expectations around the fact that you and everyone else will at some point come up short. And be excited about this! For this is where true growth happens.

“When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.”

2. Make decisions based on your own beliefs and convictions. …Not on how likely you think a decision will expose you to vulnerability. Stick to your what you believe in, and be aware that you’ll probably criticized. But true courage means acting in the manner you feel is best for you regardless of outside resistance.

3. Failure is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a breakthrough. When you do encounter moments of vulnerability, take it in stride. You’ll learn from this. You’ll be forced to tackle the problem differently. You’ll grow. Embracing this truth is a courage in and of itself; it demonstrates that you truly believe that you are worthy no matter how well you perform.

We all could use a little courage as the holiday season descends upon us. So stay tuned these next few weeks, as I’ll talk about ways to manage holiday-induced stress, methods of task delegation, and keeping the real purpose of the holidays in our sights in the midst of the busy season.

Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live (New York: Gotham Books).

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November 21, 2012 The Strength In Skillful Negotiation

When you hear the word “negotiation,” it’s easy to think of those painfully long meetings between two or more stubborn parties, where everyone walks away unhappy. Take recent events in Congress, for instance. No matter what side you fall on the political spectrum, I think we can all agree that the seemingly endless battles over legislation get frustrating, to say the least.

But Stuart Diamond, Wharton Business School professor and author, thinks that negotiation unfairly gets a bad rap, yet is a crucial tool to achieving success in our daily lives. “It’s just a conversation,” he points out. “You don’t have to give anything up by just talking to someone.”

And that’s just it. Negotiation doesn’t have to mean drawn out, exhausting exchanges. It can be as simple and pleasant as a chat with a server at a restaurant, or a polite conversation with a co-worker. In his book, Getting More, Diamond provides some basic ways to master negotiation skills.

1. Keep Your Goal at the Front of Your Mind. It’s easy to forget this when you’re in the middle of negotiation, as many tend to get distracted by emotional impulse. Yet staying close to your goals during negotiation makes things easier for both parties. You’ll be clear-headed and better able to express yourself with clarity and efficiency.

2. Reverse Roles. “You can’t persuade people of anything unless you know the pictures in their heads: their perceptions, sensibilities, needs, how they make commitments, whether they are trustworthy.” You need to have at least some idea of who the other person is. Minimize your own needs and pretend that you’re the least important person in the room. This shows that you are in tune with other people’s needs, and willing to make compromises.

3. Be Constructive, Not Manipulative. “Don’t deceive people.” Building trust is key. You might not get everything you want right away, but being open and honest while negotiating cultivates long-term relationships that yield greater results. If you cut corners, lie or hide your cards, the other party will begin to be suspicious (and rightly so), which is a big problem for good negotiation.

Diamond also makes it clear that negotiation is a flexible, situational process, and that good negotiators are those who know how to utilize their personal strengths to achieve their goals. We shouldn’t act like someone else, for instance, because “people will detect it and you will lose your credibility.” He sees good negotiation skills as tools to help you “learn how to be yourself better.”

Try these ideas out and see what works for you. Become aware of what types of negotiations take place in your standard day, and where. Keep a mental log of how you tend to handle these, and use Diamond’s ideas as reference. See where you could improve, implement a plan, and take action. Good luck!

Stuart Diamond, Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Achieve Your Goals in the Real World (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2010), 6, 7, 19.

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