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“Creating Successful Leaders”

Category Archives: Communication

November 6, 2012 What’s The Deal With Difficult People?

It’s not uncommon to have met some of your best friends through work. Yet we also know that the workplace is full of people who seem dead set on making things more difficult for everyone around them. In order to maintain a productive and fulfilling work environment, it’s vital to know how to effectively deal with “problem people,” as we will lovingly call them.

The problem person comes in many varieties. There’s the passive-aggressive person, the micro-manager, the hostile one, the egotistical guy/gal, the overly-dramatic one, and the list goes on. Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today states that these diverse personalities all share a common trait:

“Their MO is to provoke, then make you feel you have no reason to react—and it’s all your fault to begin with!”

Their power therefore comes from “getting a rise” out of you. Which means that in order to reestablish control in a situation, you must identify when, where and how a problem person is manipulating your emotions.

First, we must step back and try to remain composed during an unpleasant exchange. Doing so gives us the chance to evaluate the situation clearly. “Therein lies your advantage,” says Marano. “It allows you to predict the specific emotional trap being set for you, which is your passport to getting your own power back.” Although it seems counter-intuitive in the moment, keeping calm even while being yelled at demonstrates that the difficult person you’re dealing with has no power over how you react; you alone possess this power.

Next, determine when and where you are most likely to interact with your difficult person, and form a strategy that limits their negative influence on you. Physician Susan Biali provides a few examples of what this looks like:

“Minimize time with problem people. Keep interactions as short as possible.”

Some personality types just don’t mix well, and it may be best for both parties if you restrict face time with your difficult person to business-only exchanges.

“Before any interaction with a difficult person, mentally review the topics that invite attack and make an effort to avoid them.”

In this way, you are withholding fuel they could use to cultivate negativity in the workplace.

Whatever you do, don’t let the problem go unresolved. You may need to confront the person head-on if their behavior continues to hinder your ability to get work done. If this be the case, use “I” statements that seek to show how their behavior effects you, and do your best to be gentle, reasonable and to-the-point. Often, people giving you problems may not be aware that they’re impacting you in a negative way.

Overall, remember that only you control your behavior, your reactions and your emotions. Patience, perspective and a grain of salt go a long way when it comes to effectively dealing with difficult people.

1 “The High Art of Handling Problem People,” last modified July 2, 2012, Psychology Today, accessed November 5, 2012, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201204/the-high-art-handling-problem-people

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October 17, 2012 Taking A Breath

Cell phones, e-mail and the internet were intended to help ease the stress of life, yet it would appear they actually make the work week longer, the pool of contacts larger, and the deadlines closer together.  We instinctively fight to stay afloat, throwing ourselves through all sorts of hoops without a moment’s rest. After all, how can we expect to take even a moment for ourselves when our to-do pile grows bigger by the minute?

We can, and we should, insists Nance Guilmartin in her book, The Power of Pause. Herein she argues that pausing before undergoing a task gives you a better shot at success, in that it provides you with the opportunity to reflect, weigh options and make judgment calls uninfluenced by charged emotions:

“We’re quick to say yes to someone’s request because we don’t think we have a choice. We just hit the Reply All or Send button on an e-mail instead of considering our options, picking up the phone, or walking down the hall. We jump to conclusions based on assumptions, expectations, or wished-for outcomes that are frequently far from reality.”

Taking a step back while under stress is counter intuitive and takes practice to master. Yet, whether you wait a minute, an hour, or a day, “your ability to make better choices is sharpened, and that can lead to significantly better results for you and for your clients,” says Guilmartin.

A moment of pause enables us to see the big picture of our circumstances. An angry e-mail from a client, for example, seems to demand immediate reply. But is action without true pause the best route to take in this situation? No, Guilmartin says, because during a stressful, disagreeable exchange, the chance is high that our emotions will get in the way of maintaining good relationships with those around us.

In a situation such as this, a pause allots us time to ask key questions aimed at the heart of our stress. To do this, Guilmartin suggests that “you use a simple phrase to help you shift from jumping to a conclusion, even if you think you are right and have the facts. Ask yourself this seven-word question: What don’t I know I don’t know?”

In other words, are we missing something important we haven’t considered? In the angry client e-mail example, it could be we didn’t communicate sufficiently with the client at the outset or some important detail was lost in the shuffle.  Pausing to reevaluate both what went wrong and how to respond will optimize the chances of moving forward with the client in a fair, productive manner.

Not only does Guilmartin’s approach make sense, it’s backed by research as well. Bernard Benson, M.D., of Mind/Body Medical Institute explains what’s happening in our brains when we pause in the midst of daily work:

“…by completely letting go of a problem at that point by applying certain triggers, the brain actually rearranges itself so that the hemispheres communicate better. Then the brain is better able to solve the problem…As the brain quiets down, another phenomenon that we call ‘calm commotion’ or a focused increase in activity takes place in the areas of the brain associated with attention, space-time concepts and decision making.”

To put it another way, pausing actually increases brain performance. The next time you’re faced with overwhelming circumstances, remember that you have the choice to take a time-out. I encourage you take it. In so doing, you’ll give yourself the gift of perspective, time to weigh your options, and a moment to clarify your goals. Not only do you have this choice, even though it may not seem like it at the time, research shows that choosing to slow down helps you in the long run.

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Herbert Benson, “Are You Working Too Hard?” Harvard Business Review, November 2005, 54-56.

Nance Guilmartin, The Power of Pause: How to Be More Effective in a Demanding, 24/7 World (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2010), 36, 153.

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September 26, 2012 The Power of Assertive Living

Assertiveness may be the most important and influential personal strength you can possess not only for your career, but for every facet of your life. Being assertive increases self-esteem and opens positive lines of communication to those around you. This post will address what being assertive looks and feels like, and common misconceptions about what assertiveness is.

Falling in between passiveness and aggressiveness, assertiveness embodies the best of each of these ultimately negative behaviors. For instance, passiveness “violates [one’s] own rights,” while “others needs are given priority” (Centre for Clinical Intervention). On the other end of the spectrum, aggressive behavior “violates the rights of others,” giving one’s own needs priority at other people’s expense.

Being assertive, contrary to common opinion, is not the same thing as being aggressive. In fact, assertiveness effectively respects the needs of the self and of others. It ensures a consistency between what you are truly feeling and what you are communicating, both verbally and non-verbally. But unlike aggressive behavior, it describes your needs without violating the needs of others.

To illustrate, let’s see how these different behaviors look in practice.

Passive

Verbal communication:

-Long pauses, frequent apologies in a soft, unsteady voice

-Self-dismissals (“It doesn’t really matter, but…”)

-Frequent use of fill-in words, like “um,” “maybe,” “sort of”

Non-verbal communication:

-Averting eye contact

-Slouched posture

-Arms crossed for protection

-Smiling when angry

Effects of passive attitude:

-Your true feelings are not adequately expressed, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and frustrated with yourself

-You fall into a habit of neglecting your own needs and rights in order to please people in the short term, yet your relationships in the long term may be weakened due to a lack of true communication

-People may begin to take advantage of how you over-commit

Aggressive

Verbal Communication:

-Sarcastic, condescending voice

-Abrupt, clipped speed and tone in speech

-Use of put-downs

-Boastfulness

-Opinions stated as fact

Non-verbal Communication:

-Invading others space

-Finger-pointing, fist-clenching, clenched jaw

-Pacing impatiently

Effects of aggressive attitude:

-You’ll often get your way and feel powerful as a result

-However, your neglect of others needs can create enemies and burn bridges, which can lower self esteem and will probably ruin relationships in the long run

Assertive

Verbal Communication:

-Calm, steady voice

-Clear and direct language

-Short and to the point sentences

-“I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I need”)

Non-verbal Communication:

-Maintaining eye contact without staring open posture

-Facial features honestly reflect your feelings

Effects of assertive attitude:

-Both parties understand what you need

-You feel satisfied that you’ve clearly expressed yourself; your self esteem will raise as a result

-Others respect you for respecting yourself

-You won’t be able to please everyone, true, but at least everyone is on the same page

-Being assertive doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want all of the time, but being up front about how you feel will help you in the long run

Manuel J. Smith’s book “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” lays out his “bill of assertive rights,” which can help you remember how to avoid falling into a passive or aggressive pattern of behavior:

  • “You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself”
  • “You have the right to say ‘no’”
  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior”
  • “You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them”
  • “You have the right to change your mind”
  • “You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion” (Smith 1975)

Adhering to these rights ensures that you’re taking care of your own needs. However, it is important to remember that part of Smith’s “assertive rights” also means taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions. In practice, this means you must remember to state your needs respectfully and learn to negotiate with others. A lot of times you will encounter conflicts. But by being up front and confident about what you desire in any given circumstance, you will be much more aptly suited to making real progress in whatever you pursue.

If you feel you could work on being more assertive, remember that modifying behaviors takes time. Go easy on yourself as you create new positive habits. Use the “assertive rights” as reminders, and keep track of your progress. You’ll do great.

Centre for Clinical Intervention. Assert Yourself! Improving Your Assertiveness.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Smith, Manuel J. 1975. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

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