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Category Archives: Communication

January 9, 2013 Empathy: The “Glue” to Any Good Community

Last week I talked about the importance of community, tracing it all the way back to our first ancestors. This week I’d like to follow up on the topic and focus in particular on how empathy is the “glue” that binds all successful communities together.

Empathy itself is great, but it is empathetic action that makes all the difference. A team of psychologists and researchers recently came out with a book titled, “The Compassion Instinct.” Among many other interesting insights, they lay out some active steps to making a community truly grow:

1. Plug in! 

“People who give to others give healthier, happier lives to themselves.”

Service is key to any successful community. Join a cause you believe in, volunteer at a food shelter or be a mentor to young people. Don’t just send checks in the mail to a charity. You need to actually get out and get your hands dirty in order to cultivate strong bonds between other people. Community is based on this type of service, and you will feel more alive when you take part in other people’s lives in your neighborhood, your church and your workplace. And, speaking of workplaces…

2. Break the rule of leaving your personal problems out of the workplace.

“Many workers assume that they are supposed to check their personal problems at the door when they enter the office.” 

The book mentions how employer-employee relations have steadily declined since the 1980s due to increased globalization and competition between companies, which led to more lay-offs across the board. Thus, it’s common to be suspicious and distrustful of your boss nowadays, and you certainly don’t want to bring your own baggage into the office, lest you want to risk appearing unprofessional.

However, the research shows that companies do better when their employees feel connected, cared for and appreciated. Therefore, it is not only healthy for you to become close with your co-workers, it also will make a difference in productivity and innovation. The challenge is the risk you take by attempting to create community at work: for it to be successful, you must let your guard down. Which leads to the final point…

3. Trust in others!

“Trust is an intrinsic part of human nature…most simply defined as the expectation that other people’s future actions will safeguard our interests.”

It’s easy to see why trust has declined in the country for some time now. We are skeptical of politics, companies, advertisements, banks, and even our neighbors. And for good reason, I might add. How many Watergate-type scandals, corporate fraud news headlines and stories of mild-mannered folks becoming violent are we expected to endure and still put our faith in others?

Yet the solution to these problems, horrible and scary as they are, is not to shield ourselves even more. Quite the opposite, actually. We need to put faith in our peers enthusiastically, not reluctantly. We won’t think they’ll pull through, we’ll expect them to! Trust is the one ingredient above all others that enables us to thrive in our communities. And it starts at a person-to-person level.

Keltner, Dacher, Marsh, Jason and Jeremy Adam Smith, eds., The Compassion Instinct (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 2010)

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January 2, 2013 Becoming A Better Community Builder

We are social creatures. Take a moment to consider where we would be without our ability to work together. Let’s go back, way back, to the very first humans. What did they have to contend with? Large, carnivorous beasts? Check. Extreme climates and unpredictable weather patterns? Check. Other human-like primates fighting for land? Oh yeah.

Now, consider the average human being. Between 5-6 feet tall, mostly hairless, not too strong. Any common wild animal could tear a person apart. Humans can’t fly, aren’t especially fast runners. No claws, no sharp teeth, no protective shielding for their soft skin. Compared to most other successful creatures on the planet, we humans are pretty weak.

So why, when we look anywhere on the globe today, are humans the clear top dogs?

Community.

We are more intelligent than other animals, yes, but it was our ability to use our bigger brains to cooperate that made all the difference.

Don’t worry, this hasn’t turned into an anthropology blog. I’m looking back in time in order to give clarity to the state of the typical modern life. Much of our stress, unhappiness and discontent can be traced back to an imbalance in community, a neglect of maintaining our life teams.

In many ways, we’ve fashioned little protective cocoons in all areas of living today. We drive in heated, wheeled boxes we call cars, we plug into portable musical devices at all waking hours, we’re more concerned  with our smartphones than we are with what’s going on in our immediate vicinity. Behaviors like these can work against our need for vibrant community.

So how do we return to what made us successful as a species in the first place?

1. Be Present. Think about your average day, and take note of the times you spend “plugged in” on phones, computers or music devices. Limit yourself to using these devices only when you need them. It’s also fine to give yourself a little free time for web surfing or phone games, but keep track of how often you plug in for fun, and always give your attention to what’s going on around you over what’s happening online. Make a point to engage in the moment, wherever you are. Being present allows you to see the opportunities for connection all around you. And when you’re present, others will feed off this, which creates an environment ripe for community-building.

2. Become a key part of a group. Strong communities are ones which utilize the strengths of every individual in order to achieve a common goal. Hopefully you know your strengths (and if you don’t, check out the Insights assessment on my site!), and can be able to see where your skills or abilities would help others.

3. Stay proactive about meeting people, spending time with people, and sharing your life with those around you. The hardest part about belonging to a strong community is the work and maintenance involved. Many people have marveled at how strong my relationship with my neighbors is. We have numerous neighborhood parties, cook-outs and traditions. Our doors are always open, and none of us hesitate to ask to borrow some brown sugar or a snow shovel. I always tell people who ask that this didn’t just happen. We all have to plan and really work to keep the traditions going. We also have to be present during tough times, ready to assist each other even when we ourselves are swamped with tasks. But it’s all worth it.

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November 21, 2012 The Strength In Skillful Negotiation

When you hear the word “negotiation,” it’s easy to think of those painfully long meetings between two or more stubborn parties, where everyone walks away unhappy. Take recent events in Congress, for instance. No matter what side you fall on the political spectrum, I think we can all agree that the seemingly endless battles over legislation get frustrating, to say the least.

But Stuart Diamond, Wharton Business School professor and author, thinks that negotiation unfairly gets a bad rap, yet is a crucial tool to achieving success in our daily lives. “It’s just a conversation,” he points out. “You don’t have to give anything up by just talking to someone.”

And that’s just it. Negotiation doesn’t have to mean drawn out, exhausting exchanges. It can be as simple and pleasant as a chat with a server at a restaurant, or a polite conversation with a co-worker. In his book, Getting More, Diamond provides some basic ways to master negotiation skills.

1. Keep Your Goal at the Front of Your Mind. It’s easy to forget this when you’re in the middle of negotiation, as many tend to get distracted by emotional impulse. Yet staying close to your goals during negotiation makes things easier for both parties. You’ll be clear-headed and better able to express yourself with clarity and efficiency.

2. Reverse Roles. “You can’t persuade people of anything unless you know the pictures in their heads: their perceptions, sensibilities, needs, how they make commitments, whether they are trustworthy.” You need to have at least some idea of who the other person is. Minimize your own needs and pretend that you’re the least important person in the room. This shows that you are in tune with other people’s needs, and willing to make compromises.

3. Be Constructive, Not Manipulative. “Don’t deceive people.” Building trust is key. You might not get everything you want right away, but being open and honest while negotiating cultivates long-term relationships that yield greater results. If you cut corners, lie or hide your cards, the other party will begin to be suspicious (and rightly so), which is a big problem for good negotiation.

Diamond also makes it clear that negotiation is a flexible, situational process, and that good negotiators are those who know how to utilize their personal strengths to achieve their goals. We shouldn’t act like someone else, for instance, because “people will detect it and you will lose your credibility.” He sees good negotiation skills as tools to help you “learn how to be yourself better.”

Try these ideas out and see what works for you. Become aware of what types of negotiations take place in your standard day, and where. Keep a mental log of how you tend to handle these, and use Diamond’s ideas as reference. See where you could improve, implement a plan, and take action. Good luck!

Stuart Diamond, Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Achieve Your Goals in the Real World (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2010), 6, 7, 19.

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