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“Creating Successful Leaders”

Category Archives: Communication

February 19, 2013 Leading Through Positive Perception

positive perception

This past week I attended a seminar given by Melissa DeLay, a communication and business coach, who spoke on the art of persuasive communication. I’ve touched on this topic myself in a past post, but I found her talk especially relevant to my interest in effective leadership.

DeLay stressed the importance of perception, specifically addressing how positive perception allows leaders to be better suited to close deals, increase loyalty and communicate with confidence, even in the most difficult situations.

We often feel pressured to say “yes” or “no”–to commit one way or another, she says, and this ultimately has an adverse effect on our productivity and personal happiness in the long run.  Instead of hastily agreeing to a project,  DeLay suggests we internalize what she calls “magical phrases,” which help accomplish the following:

1. They Buy Time. You’re not forced to decide on the spot when confronted with a proposal. These phrases give you a chance to weigh your options without committing prematurely.

2. They Defuse The Situation. In “sticky” situations that may fall anywhere between personal disagreements or declining on a proposal, magical phrases enable you to neutralize the situation.

3. They Make You Look Good. You aren’t committing to something and then going back on it later. You are in control.

So what are these “magical phrases” Ms. DeLay is talking about?

At their core, these phrases all contain three characteristics: They are authentic, considerate, and objective.

As a way to turn someone down, for instance, she offers this phrase: “I don’t see a match between what you’re focused on and what I’m focused on. I’m going to have to decline your offer.” Saying this shows that you understand and have thought the offer over, thereby demonstrating consideration. It shows that you’ve tried to be as objective as possible, in that you are attempting to distinguish between your focus and the focus of the individual making the offer. And, because it clearly states up front good reasoning for the decline, the statement expresses authenticity. In other words, even though you aren’t being rude, you aren’t sugar coating it either.

Other “magical phrases” DeLay shared during her talk:

“Let me give that some thought. I don’t want to make a hasty decision.”

“I’m deeply concerned about this because…”

“I don’t care to speculate; what I can say is…”

Each of these examples fulfills the core characteristics of the magical phrase: they are each authentic, considerate, and objective.

What struck me is the fact that in positions of leadership, we are often forced to juggle the roles of being mentor, manager, friend, employer, “bad guy,” and the list goes on. It is easy to feel trapped between these roles, not sure which one should be worn at what time. But DeLay’s “magical phrases” embody the basis of strong leadership, in that they are consistent, honest and transparent.

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January 30, 2013 On Forgiving Others (And Ourselves)

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” -Mark Twain

A recipe for bitterness, cynicism and discontent is the inability to forgive.

We must forgive. It is crucial for leading a fulfilling life. And while most of us are able to forgive others, we often have the most trouble with forgiving ourselves. This week, I want to touch on both, and talk about how and why forgiveness in all its forms is a necessary element for powerful living.

We often confuse forgiveness with pretending the offending person didn’t hurt us, or think that it means we must shove away our pain and anger into a small corner of our psyche. However, neither of these describe true forgiveness. Psychologist Clarann Goldring states that forgiveness is “letting go of the need to fix the wrong and/or get even with the person.”

You see, forgiveness is for us. You could look at it as a healthy selfishness. Goldring points out that your personal baggage “doesn’t hurt the person you’re mad at in the least. The heavy burden falls on you, often for years.” Is this a good way to live?

Again, we shouldn’t condone the actions of the person that wronged us. But notice the word “wronged” is in the past tense. It already happened, and nothing can change that. So you can choose to move on, or you can continue to let past actions poison your present life.

Yet many of us struggle far more with forgiving ourselves. Like forgiving others, the first step is accepting the reality that wrongs were committed, in this case by you. But from there, forgiving oneself is a way of getting on with life, free from burden. An article in Psychology Today on the matter states that forgiving oneself “accompanies a resolution to change one’s behavior and act differently in the future.” In other words, when we forgive ourselves, we feel more motivated to get the things done that we want to do, free from the mistakes we’ve made in the past.

For instance, we tend to procrastinate less when not bogged down in feelings of guilt and regret. Procrastination acts as a downward spiral of guilt, shame and self-fulfilling prophesy. But when we forgive ourselves for avoiding an important task early on, we reduce the emotional stress associated with procrastination, which makes us “less likely to avoid the stimulus associated with the feelings in the first place.”

It’s easy to avoid the act of forgiving. We often feel justified when we hold onto wrongdoings of the past. “I was wronged! I’m right to be angry!” we stubbornly shout. And perhaps this is true. Yet what does it change to stay angry? All it does is perpetuate the negativity that occurred in the past. The greatest part of forgiveness is the empowerment it equips you with. You may have been wronged, or you may have wronged someone else, yet you also have the power to release yourself from the “already happened.” Don’t get stuck in the past. You have too many great things to build in the “right now” that are going to demand your full focus.

References

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php

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January 9, 2013 Empathy: The “Glue” to Any Good Community

Last week I talked about the importance of community, tracing it all the way back to our first ancestors. This week I’d like to follow up on the topic and focus in particular on how empathy is the “glue” that binds all successful communities together.

Empathy itself is great, but it is empathetic action that makes all the difference. A team of psychologists and researchers recently came out with a book titled, “The Compassion Instinct.” Among many other interesting insights, they lay out some active steps to making a community truly grow:

1. Plug in! 

“People who give to others give healthier, happier lives to themselves.”

Service is key to any successful community. Join a cause you believe in, volunteer at a food shelter or be a mentor to young people. Don’t just send checks in the mail to a charity. You need to actually get out and get your hands dirty in order to cultivate strong bonds between other people. Community is based on this type of service, and you will feel more alive when you take part in other people’s lives in your neighborhood, your church and your workplace. And, speaking of workplaces…

2. Break the rule of leaving your personal problems out of the workplace.

“Many workers assume that they are supposed to check their personal problems at the door when they enter the office.” 

The book mentions how employer-employee relations have steadily declined since the 1980s due to increased globalization and competition between companies, which led to more lay-offs across the board. Thus, it’s common to be suspicious and distrustful of your boss nowadays, and you certainly don’t want to bring your own baggage into the office, lest you want to risk appearing unprofessional.

However, the research shows that companies do better when their employees feel connected, cared for and appreciated. Therefore, it is not only healthy for you to become close with your co-workers, it also will make a difference in productivity and innovation. The challenge is the risk you take by attempting to create community at work: for it to be successful, you must let your guard down. Which leads to the final point…

3. Trust in others!

“Trust is an intrinsic part of human nature…most simply defined as the expectation that other people’s future actions will safeguard our interests.”

It’s easy to see why trust has declined in the country for some time now. We are skeptical of politics, companies, advertisements, banks, and even our neighbors. And for good reason, I might add. How many Watergate-type scandals, corporate fraud news headlines and stories of mild-mannered folks becoming violent are we expected to endure and still put our faith in others?

Yet the solution to these problems, horrible and scary as they are, is not to shield ourselves even more. Quite the opposite, actually. We need to put faith in our peers enthusiastically, not reluctantly. We won’t think they’ll pull through, we’ll expect them to! Trust is the one ingredient above all others that enables us to thrive in our communities. And it starts at a person-to-person level.

Keltner, Dacher, Marsh, Jason and Jeremy Adam Smith, eds., The Compassion Instinct (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 2010)

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