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August 6, 2025 The Courage to Ask for What You Want

As a career coach, I’ve talked with many people who have expressed disappointment about not getting what they wanted in their professions. They didn’t get the raise, the promotion, or the project they wanted. They were passed over for a team leader role or to organize a committee. But when I inquired about whether they asked for these things, I’m usually met with blank stares or questions. “Ask for a raise? I can do that?” Yes, and you should.

Why Ask

In the business world, many of us are either indirect or we assume it isn’t proper to ask for something like a promotion. I agree that this isn’t something to do lightly, and it should be approached with a certain amount of grace and tact, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Managers, supervisors, and C-suite executives are often busy people. They may be in charge of large teams, and they might not be the best at keeping track of their people’s aspirations and abilities. When you ask for something, that gets the attention of your higher-ups. Suddenly, you’re on their radar, and you are seen as someone with initiative and motivation. Additionally, your manager will know exactly what you’re aiming for; they’ll gain a crystal-clear understanding of your aspirations. Those are all compelling reasons to ask for what you want, but how do you do it in a way that doesn’t come across as aggressive or pushy?

How to Ask Tactfully 

When it comes to putting forth what you want from your career, it’s best to have a strategy. Think about what you will say, how you will say it, and the circumstances in which you will deliver your ask. I suggest aiming for the following: 

Choose a One-on-One Setting 

Private meetings are best for big asks. Asking for a raise or a change in roles in front of a group is awkward and tacky, and it puts your team leader on the spot. Instead, plan to give your ask during a one-on-one meeting. If you do not have one set up, request one. 

Work it in Naturally 

To avoid conversational whiplash, do your best to deliver your ask at a natural moment. If you are talking about a current project, you might say: “I’ve actually been thinking about this project a lot and wondering if my performance and results have been enough to earn me a promotion. Would you be open to talking about that?”

Build Your Case 

Enter the conversation armed with relevant information. If you have performed well in a recent initiative, received a positive review, made a measurable contribution, or did something else of note recently, be prepared to talk about it in specific details. Referring back to the example involving a recent project, you might say something like: “I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to review our team project on X, but I’m happy with the results. On an individual level, I came up with a solution that increased customer purchases of Y product by 18%.”

Practice Your Pitch

It can be awkward asking for what you want. To avoid stumbling over your words, try rehearsing what you’d like to say in the mirror or with a partner. Practice until it feels natural. 

Open the Door for Dialogue

When you make your ask, it’s a good idea to present it as something that warrants further discussion. Make it clear that you do not require an immediate answer (no one likes being put on the spot), but also convey that you’d like to talk about the situation in more depth. After you’ve built your case, you could say something like: “Would you be willing to discuss the possibility of a pay raise?” OR: “Given my evolving skill set, are you open to discussing a shift in my role and daily responsibilities?”

Asking for what you want takes courage, but I suggest taking the leap and doing it. Just make sure you properly prepare and approach the ask with as much grace and strategy as possible. Oftentimes in life, we do not get what we do not ask for.

MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE. 
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE. 

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July 23, 2025 What is Collective Grief? (and how could it be affecting you)

Grief is a complex emotion. Although it is often associated with bereavement and death, it can crop up in several other ways. You can grieve a former job, a house or city where you used to live, or a former lifestyle you once had. The common thread is loss. To make matters more complicated, grief can be a collective experience. 

What is Collective Grief? 

Collective grief is a term used to describe the sentiment of loss as experienced by a group of people. The group can be quite large (i.e. an entire nation) or smaller (a family or community group). Collective grief is often associated with a major tragedy or difficulty—a natural disaster, war, financial turmoil, a pandemic, etc. This type of upheaval can result in a sense of loss, or the feeling that things will never be the same. 

If you are an empathetic person, you do not necessarily have to experience a certain tragedy or its side effects firsthand to go through grief or loss. For example, you might mourn the loss of a city that was decimated by an earthquake, or you may grieve for the families of those who have been jailed or deported. This type of grief isn’t any less valid. It just means you’re human, and you care for your fellow human beings. 

Collective grief can be powerful and long-lasting. Furthermore, it’s possible to experience this type of grief without even realizing it. 

How Collective Grief Can Show Up in Your Life 

When you’ve been affected by an event or a change, your behavior or outlook may be altered, whether subtly or overt. Here are five ways you might manifest collective grief in everyday life:

  1. Difficulty Concentrating

When you’re enduring grief, you may find your attention wandering or have difficulty focusing on tasks. This can be exacerbated during times of collective grief, as the weight of the situation can feel overwhelming.

  1. Increased Irritability

Grief can make you feel on edge, causing you to snap at loved ones or co-workers more easily. This short temper may be a way of coping with the underlying emotional turmoil. The important thing is to recognize when you’re behaving irrationally, so you can make a concerted effort to amend this behavior.

  1. Changes in Sleep or Appetite

You may find yourself sleeping more or less than usual, or experiencing a loss of appetite. These physiological changes are the body’s way of dealing with the stress of grief. Again, awareness is key. If you’re noticing changes in sleep or appetite, it’s a good idea to address these issues head on (possibly with the guidance and support of a professional).

  1. Decreased Productivity

During periods of collective grief, you may find it harder to complete tasks or maintain your usual level of productivity. This can stem from the emotional and mental drain that comes with processing widespread loss or upheaval. It’s important to be patient with yourself during these times.

  1. Feeling Hopeless or Downtrodden

When experiencing collective grief, you may find yourself feeling defeated or hopeless, as the magnitude of the situation can feel overwhelming. This sense of despair can make it difficult to see a path forward. It’s important to remember that these feelings are a natural response to loss and change, and that with time and self-compassion, they will eventually subside.

The experience of collective grief can be isolating, as the loss or upheaval may be felt by a large group, yet each person’s individual response can vary. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are a natural reaction and to seek support from others who may be going through a similar process. By acknowledging the collective nature of the grief, individuals can find solace in the shared experience and work towards healing together. Reaching out to a mental health professional or joining a support group can provide valuable tools for navigating the complexities of collective grief.

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June 11, 2025 Taking Real (Not Performative) Actions

Photo by Kyle Head from Unsplash.com

Have you ever felt like a person or business was putting on a show for their own gain? They may have made some kind of gesture or action that seemed helpful or kind on the surface, but when you looked a little closer, this act was really self-serving or ingenuine. Maybe it was a CEO apologizing (but not really apologizing) for some kind of misstep. Or maybe a business donated to a certain political party…and also donated to the competing party.

Gestures such as these would likely make you pause, do a double-take, and question the authenticity of the person, group, or business. That’s because there is a huge difference between genuine actions and performative ones. Genuine actions come from the heart. They are meaningful and substantial. And most importantly, they are done without the expectation of public acknowledgment or thanks.

On the other hand, performative or symbolic actions lack substance. Often, they are done publicly, to bolster the image of a person or business. The people or organizations that are supposedly benefitting from the performative action come second—they’re an afterthought. The most important thing is the boost the performer gets, whether that boost is related to image, finances, or ego.

Examples of Performative Actions

One type of performative action is supporting a marginalized group during a specific time of year (Black History Month, Women’s History Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, etc.) for the sole purpose of profiting off that group. Or, perhaps a company sends out a cheery office-wide email recognizing an important issue (Happy Mental Health Month! Here is a list of 10 ways to practice self-care…), but then fails to take any real action to improve that issue (therapy programs, mental health leave, grief counseling, etc.).

Performance could also happen on a smaller scale. The late Pope Francis used the season of Lent as an example, saying that although giving something up (such as meat or chocolate) could be noble, it is more meaningful to do good works or take genuine steps to help others. He suggested fifteen simple “acts of love” as an alternative. These included saying “hello” and “thank you” to others, reminding people how much you love them, celebrating others’ successes, and donating to those in need. These small actions might not get you much credit or external recognition, but that’s not the point. The point is to quietly and authentically make the world a better place.

Choosing Authenticity

How do you make sure you’re acting authentically and not putting on a performance? Or, on a larger scale, how can you make sure your business is acting with genuine motives?

A great test is to think about your purpose or intentions (or the intentions of the business). Are you genuinely concerned about a cause and want to help? Or are you more concerned with how your actions are being perceived? Are you okay with receiving zero recognition for your actions? Or are you hoping for praise and accolades? These questions might warrant some contemplation—time to really sit and honestly consider your intentions.

Keep in mind: People can often see through a performance. If you act genuinely and have the right intentions, that will take you a long way in all aspects of life. It’s all about intention and carrying out that intention in a forthright way.

MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE. 
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE. 

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