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Tag Archives: Improving Relationships

March 27, 2013 Happiness Leads To Success (And Not The Other Way Around)

We tend to think that if we get that job, if we get that promotion, if we find our true love etc., etc., etc., then we will finally be completely, permanently happy.

But this is not true!

Shawn Achor, founder of Good Think Inc., explains why the success-then-happiness formula just plain does not work:

“Every time we hit a success, our brain moves the goalpost of where success is.”

You’ve surely experienced this for yourself. You got a job, for instance, and were elated…for a moment. Then your brain instantly went to the next step. “Okay, you got the job, but are you prepared for the job? Do you have all the resources needed to excel in the job? Is this even the right job for you? Will it lead to better opportunities?”

And in this way you went from feeling accomplished to feeling anxious, all in the blink of an eye.

You can see why grounding your happiness in your successes can become a problem.

The solution to this, although it may be much harder practiced than preached, is to reverse the order of success and happiness. Says Achor:

“If you reverse the formula by pursuing happiness first, you wind up with greater happiness and success.”

The science behind it all? As Achor explains, happiness releases dopamine in the brain. This chemical both leads you to seek out more happiness, and also “turns on every learning center in the brain,” thereby making you three times as creative. As we know, creativity tends to lead to success.

At first I thought this whole reversal of the formula thing sounded a bit too simple to be true. But it’s simplicity is what makes it a challenge to enact in real life. Our culture reinforces the idea that success is the answer to happiness all the time. We treat celebrities like royalty, because they have all the things society tells us give us happiness. At the end of almost any Hollywood movie, the protagonist overcomes a great obstacle and rides off into the sunset, where we are to assume that their success will give them contentment for the rest of their days.

Okay, so success doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness. But how do you reverse the formula?

“As I’ve come to see it, happiness is a work ethic…Happiness isn’t something that happens to you. Happiness is created.”

1. Journal. Your brain works in patterns. If you focus on negative aspects, your brain will form a worldview of negativity, which will become your default setting. By taking time out of your day to write down a few positive things in your life, you will slowly retrain your brain to see the positives. You’ll be happier.

2. Serve, Give, Love. Unhappy people are almost always turned inward. We are social creatures, made to interact. Although it may sound like the worst possible thing to do when you’re at your unhappiest, reaching out to others, serving your community, and building other people up will give you a greater sense of meaning and self-worth.

3. Pause. Our instinct when we are stressed is to push ourselves harder. This actually neglects the underlying problem by giving us an excuse in the form of a distraction. Force yourself to stop and be still. Perhaps this is the time for you to journal. Let go of your troubles, even if for a moment.

Achor, Shawn. “Scientific Proof That Happiness Is A Choice.” Accessed March 27, 2013. http://www.nextavenue.org/blog/scientific-proof-happiness-choice

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March 23, 2013 Dealing Out Direct Criticism: Often Unpleasant, Always Important

Here in Minnesota especially, we go out of our way to avoid unpleasant confrontation. In fact, many Minnesotans go to extravagant, almost comical lengths to avoid having to engage another person when doing so might bring out anger, hurt feelings or raised voices.

In many ways, this tendency isn’t bad. Minnesotans are very in tune with other people’s feelings, and are thus extremely empathetic and understanding. They want to keep everyone’s self-esteem in tact, and would much prefer to build people up than knock them down.

This behavior gets to be a problem, however, when giving criticism is necessary. Simply put, we all mess up, and we all need to be confronted at times when our faults get in the way of other people’s ability to lead successful lives.

Of course, I’m speaking in pretty general terms. Not all Minnesotans are non-confrontational or passive aggressive. But it is a stereotype that contains some truth, which is why I’d like to talk about it today.

An article in The Harvard Business Review points to the consequences of being overly casual in criticism: “A too-polite veneer often signals an overly politicized workplace: Colleagues who are afraid to speak honestly to people’s faces do it behind their backs. This behavior exacts a price.”

In other words, criticism will find its way into the workplace somehow. It is better to deal with it openly and honestly than to allow it to fester in the form of gossip and passive-aggression.

The biggest problem I see with people both giving and receiving criticism is their failure to separate their performance with their whole being. A comforting fact to remember is that when you must criticize (and to be a good leader, you must) you are never tearing down a person’s inner self. On the contrary, good criticism is meant as a way to strengthen the individual.

The best criticism is direct. It is not sandwiched between compliments. It does not rely upon outside explanation. It never comes from an emotional area; it is fact-based.

We all have trouble doing this well. To work on your direct criticism skills, consider the following tips.

1. Use Active Sentences. “You need to work on meeting your deadlines.” “I am counting on you to improve your attitude in regards to dealing with our customers.”

Not “If the invoices could be completed a bit sooner, that would be great.” This criticism is shrouded in vagueness regarding who should complete the invoices, how much sooner, and why this is necessary.

2. Be Specific. Provide facts and reasons for your criticism. Connect the specific areas that you feel need improvement with the bigger picture.

3. Don’t feel the need to feel bad or apologize. Giving criticism calmly and confidently shows the individual that for one thing, it is not a personal attack, and for another, that you are assured in the necessity of providing this criticism. You are doing this because you want the person to succeed.

Making this a habit opens the door to real, honest communication between members of an organization. This in turn makes the environment better-suited for productivity, clarity and trust.

Ferrazzi, Keith. “Candor, Criticism, Teamwork.” Harvard Business Review, January-February 2012. Accessed March 23, 2013. http://hbr.org/2012/01/candor-criticism-teamwork/ar/1

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March 6, 2013 Speak Up! The Growing Need for Great Public Speakers

From a leadership standpoint, the ability to speak before people–and do it well–is one of the most invaluable skills you can possess.

Yet most of us have trouble getting up in front of a crowd, which is completely normal. I was terrified when I first began giving talks, and I’m sure my early talks had a lot of room for improvement. But now, because I speak so often, speaking before a group doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been tweaking my skills for the past few years, and one of the most rewarding feelings is knowing that I’ve effectively captivated an audience.

Toastmasters is a world-wide organization that trains people in public speaking. They offer a few tips that help beat the initial fear we get right before it’s time to step up in front of a crowd.

1. Know Your Material. They suggest that you speak on things you’re truly interested in, and know more about it than you include in your speech.

2. Practice. And practice out loud, at the volume you plan on speaking, and repeat the speech over and over, until you’ve memorized it entirely.

3. Relax. Monitor your breathing and any tension you might be harboring in your shoulders. Keep your breathing steady and slow, and try to keep your muscles loose.

4. Don’t apologize for any mistake you make during your speech. The audience probably didn’t notice it.

5. The audience is on your side. It’s easy to slip into the thinking that the audience is hostile to anything you have to say, which is absurd. They wouldn’t be sitting there if they weren’t interested. They want you to succeed.

Being comfortable in front of a group lets you most aptly convey your personal brand to many people at once. In person, you can show your true personality, your speaking style, and the things that really make you excited. Doing this well takes practice, but it is one of the better ways of promoting your ideas.

Give it a try!

Reference

http://www.toastmasters.org/tips.asp

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