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September 26, 2012 The Power of Assertive Living

Assertiveness may be the most important and influential personal strength you can possess not only for your career, but for every facet of your life. Being assertive increases self-esteem and opens positive lines of communication to those around you. This post will address what being assertive looks and feels like, and common misconceptions about what assertiveness is.

Falling in between passiveness and aggressiveness, assertiveness embodies the best of each of these ultimately negative behaviors. For instance, passiveness “violates [one’s] own rights,” while “others needs are given priority” (Centre for Clinical Intervention). On the other end of the spectrum, aggressive behavior “violates the rights of others,” giving one’s own needs priority at other people’s expense.

Being assertive, contrary to common opinion, is not the same thing as being aggressive. In fact, assertiveness effectively respects the needs of the self and of others. It ensures a consistency between what you are truly feeling and what you are communicating, both verbally and non-verbally. But unlike aggressive behavior, it describes your needs without violating the needs of others.

To illustrate, let’s see how these different behaviors look in practice.

Passive

Verbal communication:

-Long pauses, frequent apologies in a soft, unsteady voice

-Self-dismissals (“It doesn’t really matter, but…”)

-Frequent use of fill-in words, like “um,” “maybe,” “sort of”

Non-verbal communication:

-Averting eye contact

-Slouched posture

-Arms crossed for protection

-Smiling when angry

Effects of passive attitude:

-Your true feelings are not adequately expressed, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and frustrated with yourself

-You fall into a habit of neglecting your own needs and rights in order to please people in the short term, yet your relationships in the long term may be weakened due to a lack of true communication

-People may begin to take advantage of how you over-commit

Aggressive

Verbal Communication:

-Sarcastic, condescending voice

-Abrupt, clipped speed and tone in speech

-Use of put-downs

-Boastfulness

-Opinions stated as fact

Non-verbal Communication:

-Invading others space

-Finger-pointing, fist-clenching, clenched jaw

-Pacing impatiently

Effects of aggressive attitude:

-You’ll often get your way and feel powerful as a result

-However, your neglect of others needs can create enemies and burn bridges, which can lower self esteem and will probably ruin relationships in the long run

Assertive

Verbal Communication:

-Calm, steady voice

-Clear and direct language

-Short and to the point sentences

-“I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I need”)

Non-verbal Communication:

-Maintaining eye contact without staring open posture

-Facial features honestly reflect your feelings

Effects of assertive attitude:

-Both parties understand what you need

-You feel satisfied that you’ve clearly expressed yourself; your self esteem will raise as a result

-Others respect you for respecting yourself

-You won’t be able to please everyone, true, but at least everyone is on the same page

-Being assertive doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want all of the time, but being up front about how you feel will help you in the long run

Manuel J. Smith’s book “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” lays out his “bill of assertive rights,” which can help you remember how to avoid falling into a passive or aggressive pattern of behavior:

  • “You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself”
  • “You have the right to say ‘no’”
  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior”
  • “You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them”
  • “You have the right to change your mind”
  • “You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion” (Smith 1975)

Adhering to these rights ensures that you’re taking care of your own needs. However, it is important to remember that part of Smith’s “assertive rights” also means taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions. In practice, this means you must remember to state your needs respectfully and learn to negotiate with others. A lot of times you will encounter conflicts. But by being up front and confident about what you desire in any given circumstance, you will be much more aptly suited to making real progress in whatever you pursue.

If you feel you could work on being more assertive, remember that modifying behaviors takes time. Go easy on yourself as you create new positive habits. Use the “assertive rights” as reminders, and keep track of your progress. You’ll do great.

Centre for Clinical Intervention. Assert Yourself! Improving Your Assertiveness.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Smith, Manuel J. 1975. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

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September 4, 2012 Body Language, And Why It’s Important

Body language has the ability to speak volumes when we communicate with others, often making a stronger impression in their memory than our words. In fact, 55% of communication comes from body language.  It’s important to be aware of how your posture, facial expressions and eye movement affect your overall impression when talking to a client or shooting for the big promotion.

Most of us understand body language very well and assume we also possess good “body speak.” However, you’d be surprised how many people I encounter who could work on this very important skill. Take a person involved in a team meeting for instance, who, rather than stay engaged in conversation and not miss opportunities to share in amazing problem solving, instead becomes overwhelmed with his Blackberry.

The reason why body language is so powerful is because it mirrors your internal thoughts and feelings. To illustrate this, let’s go over the what’s, how’s and why’s of positive body language.

Eye contact (or lack thereof) shows how attentive you are. Maintaining eye contact throughout a conversation clearly tells the other person that you care about them, that you’re listening, and that you are trying to form a connection with them. On the flip side, frequently losing eye contact to little distractions suggests that the person before you is only slightly more interesting than other things going on around you. Don’t do this! Prove you’re listening through your steady, confident gaze.  It’s okay to blink!

Keeping your body turned toward the person you’re speaking with is a physical sign that you are opening yourself up to them, ready to devote your time and full attention. It gives off the impression that your guard is down, that you trust them, and that they are welcome. This may sound like a no-brainer, but the alternative to this stance—having your body turned partially away—gives off a defensive signal, so you’ll want to be aware of how you sit/stand.

Your hands…what to do with them? To piggyback on the above point, your hands, arms and shoulders should coincide with your open body stance in order to say, “You are welcome, I trust you, and you are worth my time.” Crossed arms, tensed shoulders and fidgety hands display discomfort and/or distrust. This is a big no-no! Keep those shoulders relaxed and those arms open. Particularly, crossing your arms conveys a judgmental attitude; conversation is all about finding common ground, and you won’t be able to do this unless your body shows that you’re willing.

While these may seem obvious, it is never a bad idea to brush up on your skills. Here are a few less obvious body language cues which may take time to become aware of and utilize, but are of equal importance:

Being still. It is easy to get tensed up and fidgety, especially when you’re in an interview or giving a presentation. Maintaining a calm, relaxed stance in any situation shows confidence when you speak and provides comfort and welcoming when you listen. The trick? Breathe! Slow, deep breaths calm you, allowing you to be still, engaging, attentive. 

Nodding. Nodding is the universal “I follow you” sign. How can you possibly mess up something so simple? One word: Speed. Overly-fast, excessive nodding can be overwhelming and distracting to the person you’re speaking with. It also gives off the impression that you’re impatient, rushing them to the finish. This can make for a jarring experience for the other person. Instead, nod only when you really do agree or follow, and ask strong questions when you do not. Like the point above, when you do nod, it should be slow, calm, smooth. 

Leaning forward. You’ll find that you do this naturally when you’re engaged in something, be it a conversation, a ball game or your favorite TV show. Leaning backward communicates that you’re hesitant to engage with a person in conversation.

These small body cues go a long way. They help a person remember you, and if your body language is positive, the memory of their experience with you will follow. Practice these skills in front of a mirror, or with a partner. But also make an effort to become more aware of other people’s body language as you go about your day. How did certain poses, expressions, or behaviors make you feel? Paying attention to these cues will help you hone in on your own body language, and you can tweak your skills from there.

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August 9, 2012 The Most Important Leadership Quality

A recent article published in the Harvard Business Review claims that one quality rises above the rest when it comes to great leadership: self-awareness. In the article, titled “How Leaders Become Self-Aware”, author Anthony Tjan poses a question to help us understand what is meant by self-awareness: “What motivates you and your decision making?”

Are you prepared to respond? Unless you have already made practice in self awareness part of your everyday and you’ve taken the assessments and consulted with others, you may struggle to answer Tjan’s question.

Tjan outlines three steps that all of us can take to become better leader in our life. Because I do a lot of work with self-awareness as an Insights Practitioner, I’m always combing through new resources for my coaching when it comes to self-awareness. I thought Tjan’s pointers were spot on and provided some great ideas for improving effectiveness and interactions.

Test and Know Yourself Better

This translates simply to take a personality test. I know it sounds simple (and the process can be as simple as answering questions about yourself for half an hour online, in the case of Insights Discovery), but this quick gesture, when given reflection, can transform the way you work and your relationships with others. Tjan advocates self-assessments because “they facilitate self-reflection, which leads to better self-awareness.”

Watch Yourself and Learn

This step plays out on a more long term scale, but can have big takeaways when done correctly. The process of this step is simple: when making a big decision, always record your reasons for that decision and then revisit these reasons 9-12 months later. What panned out and what didn’t? Tjan labels this practice as feedback analysis and explains that its effectiveness is found in two steps: “a) codify rationale and motivators and b) reflect and assess outcomes.”

Be Aware of Others, Too

Self-awareness is no good if you live alone on an island—the real power of this knowledge reveals itself when you interact with others on a team. “Knowing your natural strengths and weaknesses makes you a better recruiter and allocator of talent,” says Tjan. But this knowledge is most effective when you’re aware of the strengths of those around you, because this results in a group of people who both “understand and complement each other.” A strong team is founded on the diverse approaches and skills of its members, and because these members approach tasks differently, this promotes learning and feedback within the group—it leads to innovation.

Have questions about self-awareness? Feel free to contact me for answers.

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