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“Creating Successful Leaders”

Tag Archives: Dealing with a Negative Person

October 9, 2013 Being Authentic Doesn’t Mean Telling Everyone Your Life Story

Authenticity is all the rage these days. Businesses are adjusting their workplaces and daily operations in order to accommodate the demand for authentic relationships, business practices and job responsibilities that prospective employees and veteran workers alike are calling for.

I think this is great.  We all need authenticity in our lives, of which our work is a big part. What’s more, a business based on genuine relationships doesn’t just make for more fulfilled workers, it makes for better business.

However, I’ve noticed that some people seem to think that authenticity in their work relations means sharing everything to everyone, all the time. When working with clients, I’ve heard things like, “Margaret, they asked me what I really thought, and I knew it would hurt their feelings if I told them, but I was just being authentic!”

I think this person was trying to demonstrate how they were transparent and honest, even when it was uncomfortable. But being an open book all the time can be burdensome to those around you. You might be perceived as self-involved, even if you really aren’t. You may also lose potential confidantes if you tend to talk openly about other people. Your intention is surely noble, but the way it comes across may do more harm than good.

The mistake behind this approach to authenticity is the assumption that your most unfiltered gut feelings are your true self. While they certainly are part of what makes you you, remember that it is normal and natural to modify your behavior in different situations. This isn’t betraying who you really are, or wearing a fake version of yourself at all! We are complex beings, and have many layers of “self” that are each a part of us.

Authenticity, then, is striving to be your best self for each situation. To do this, you need:

1. Self-awareness. Be aware of your feelings and opinions, and take them seriously. You will have to stand up for your beliefs at some point, and it is often a very hard thing to do. But also be prepared to be wrong, to change your mind, to feel differently about something as time progresses. Part of self-awareness is knowing your own limits.

2. Presence. Be aware of your surroundings, engaged in the present situation before you. A present person is aware of others and their feelings, and is less inclined to become self-involved or unintentionally hurtful.

3. Tact. The 80-20 rule works wonders. Of all the thoughts you have, only about 20 percent of them need to be said. Another good rule: pause, sleep on it and deal with it tomorrow. If you feel the need to share something potentially hurtful, wait a day. More often than not, the issue resolves itself. If not, you’ll at least have a day’s worth of consideration in the bag and you’ll be better prepared to tactfully handle the situation.

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March 28, 2012 How to Use Intrinsic Validation to Improve Interactions

By Margaret Smith, UXL:
SPEAKER | CAREER COACH | CERTIFIED INSIGHTS DISCOVERY PRACTITIONER

“Be an opener of doors…”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever met a speaker, Psychologist, and Leadership Coach by the name of Louise Griffith? I had the pleasure of hearing her speak as a keynote at the womEn’s conference this month. Some of her messages about communication really stuck with me because of their clear, simple, and truthful nature. Because I’m still thinking about these messages nearly a month later I’ve decided to pass them on to my readers.

When interacting with others, whether on a very personal or professional level, there are certain ways that we can make them feel respected and accepted. You may not always realize it, but the way you respond to others when they express themselves can very easily make them feel unimportant or shut them down—and you may not even know what it was that you did wrong.

One of Louise’s larger ideas concerned something she called “Intrinsic Validation”. Behind this term is the belief that “the most powerful validation you can give another is to care enough to step into their world and listen without giving advice, feedback, or criticism.”

I don’t know about you, but I find that it is often far too easy to fall out of practicing this skill. Luckily, Louise shared some easy to use and remember tools (in the form of phrases and questions) that help you to continue the practice of intrinsic validation.

Louise outlines four components to improving interactions with and validation of others:

Look for the Good:
Stop yourself when you begin to judge and focus on the good in others instead.

See it, then Say It:
When you see another person’s positive effort or good, make sure to share your appreciation or admiration with them.

Listen for the Doors:
The “doors” are the verbal cues as to what someone is thinking. This is where you create a bridge instead of a wall)

Step into Their World:
We’ve all heard the phrase “step into their shoes” because it works.

Most important were the phrases that we can use as tools to immediately improve interactions:

           Tell me more about that.

           Help me understand what you are experiencing.

           Are you OK?

           What I like about your idea is ________ .

I challenge you to pick one of the phrases above and use it in the coming days. I’m confident that you’ll be astonished at how quickly your interactions with others will deepen and improve.

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October 31, 2011 How to Deal with a Negative Person and Get Things Done

By Margaret Smith, Speaker, Career Coach, and Certified Insights Discovery Practitioner

Have you ever proposed something to someone, or asked another person (at work or otherwise) to do something, and been shocked when you’re met with a determined “no”? Perhaps nothing can be more frustrating than this situation, because despite your being reasonable and nice, your request is met with a stubborn refusal.

If you’re a parent like me, you have probably already had your fair share of yes-no-yes-no battles. But, have you ever faced this perplexing situation at work?

I read an interesting article recently by Dr. Rick Krischner, which speaks about this very issue and offers a new approach to dealing with people in opposition using the Polarity Pattern.

As Krischner explains, there are two ways to use the Polarity Pattern to achieve your desired outcome (which is getting someone else to do something).

The first way to use the Polarity Pattern is to anticipate the other person’s reaction to your request or proposal, and bring up the negatives before they do. “If you can anticipate that they are going to attack your idea and point out its flaws anyway, might as well invite them to do it so that they are on your side!” explains Krischner.

The second way to apply the Polarity Pattern is to openly agree with the hopelessness of the situation (as the other person expresses it). This brings to light the unreasonableness or extremeness of the other person’s perspective.

Krishchner uses a story to illustrate this second use of the Polarity Pattern:

“…A CEO was complaining to his assistant how the employees in his company were inefficient, incompetent, and utterly incapable of doing a single thing right. His assistant, with a look of utmost earnestness on his face, suggested, ‘You’re right. Let’s take them all outside, shoot them, and burn this building down!’ The CEO laughed at this idea then admitted, ‘Alright, it isn’t so bad!’”

The key to mastering this technique is the understanding that the only way a negative person can stay negative when someone is agreeing with them is for them to go positive.

Do you have a personal technique for dealing with a stubborn person? Share your best practices and stories below!

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