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“Creating Successful Leaders”

November 6, 2012 What’s The Deal With Difficult People?

It’s not uncommon to have met some of your best friends through work. Yet we also know that the workplace is full of people who seem dead set on making things more difficult for everyone around them. In order to maintain a productive and fulfilling work environment, it’s vital to know how to effectively deal with “problem people,” as we will lovingly call them.

The problem person comes in many varieties. There’s the passive-aggressive person, the micro-manager, the hostile one, the egotistical guy/gal, the overly-dramatic one, and the list goes on. Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today states that these diverse personalities all share a common trait:

“Their MO is to provoke, then make you feel you have no reason to react—and it’s all your fault to begin with!”

Their power therefore comes from “getting a rise” out of you. Which means that in order to reestablish control in a situation, you must identify when, where and how a problem person is manipulating your emotions.

First, we must step back and try to remain composed during an unpleasant exchange. Doing so gives us the chance to evaluate the situation clearly. “Therein lies your advantage,” says Marano. “It allows you to predict the specific emotional trap being set for you, which is your passport to getting your own power back.” Although it seems counter-intuitive in the moment, keeping calm even while being yelled at demonstrates that the difficult person you’re dealing with has no power over how you react; you alone possess this power.

Next, determine when and where you are most likely to interact with your difficult person, and form a strategy that limits their negative influence on you. Physician Susan Biali provides a few examples of what this looks like:

“Minimize time with problem people. Keep interactions as short as possible.”

Some personality types just don’t mix well, and it may be best for both parties if you restrict face time with your difficult person to business-only exchanges.

“Before any interaction with a difficult person, mentally review the topics that invite attack and make an effort to avoid them.”

In this way, you are withholding fuel they could use to cultivate negativity in the workplace.

Whatever you do, don’t let the problem go unresolved. You may need to confront the person head-on if their behavior continues to hinder your ability to get work done. If this be the case, use “I” statements that seek to show how their behavior effects you, and do your best to be gentle, reasonable and to-the-point. Often, people giving you problems may not be aware that they’re impacting you in a negative way.

Overall, remember that only you control your behavior, your reactions and your emotions. Patience, perspective and a grain of salt go a long way when it comes to effectively dealing with difficult people.

1 “The High Art of Handling Problem People,” last modified July 2, 2012, Psychology Today, accessed November 5, 2012, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201204/the-high-art-handling-problem-people

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October 31, 2012 Choosing Your Path

Should you go back to school? Stay with your current job, or make a radical change? Take on part time work while you’re on the job hunt for a full time job? And which type of career should you pursue? Let’s face it, all these choices only complicate the job hunt process. In his book, “One Big Thing,” Phil Cooke asserts that simplifying the search to one important strength provides the best chance at success and happiness.

“I love asking this question: What could you be the best in the world at doing?…I’m really trying to see what you feel is your greatest strength. Where you could compete. Where you stand out. What’s your niche. What areas of your life are you most proud of?”1

Cooke’s overall message is simple. We all have one distinguishing strength that sets us above the rest, and the key to a fulfilling job is finding and utilizing this strength. Cooke leaves his definition of a strength open to interpretation, but he wants us to think specifically.

For instance, perhaps you have strong communication skills. While this puts you at a great advantage in almost every job, it won’t help you narrow your focus because it applies to so many jobs. Instead, think of specific areas in your life you feel your ability to communicate makes you stand out, flourish, and gives you joy. What age group do you best relate to? Are you better standing before large groups, or do your strengths lie in one-on-one conversations? Hone in on the particulars, drawing on your own experiences.

To help us on our quest to find our strength, leadership coach Ginny Clarke suggests we “ask ourselves what we loved doing when we were 10 years old.” Sadly, many people lose touch with their true passions during the long, hard process of growing up. Thinking back to what excited your 10 year old selves is an effective and powerful method of finding our one big thing, because “this is the age when you are free to imagine,” says Clarke. “If you allow yourself to explore this, then your search stays closer to what speaks to you.”2

Cooke reminds us that most people don’t find their one big strength all at once; it is indeed a process. “Rather than an explosive ‘aha!’ moment, we find bits and pieces along the trail—take a few wrong turns in the process—and eventually start piecing together the puzzle of our lives.”

It’s never too late to discover that one thing that really makes you tick, excites you, and causes you to stand out above the rest. Keep pushing forward, simplify your options, draw from your memory and always follow where your strength leads.

1 Cooke, Phil. One Big Thing: Discovering What You Were Born To Do (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2012), xiv, 12-13, 15.

2Jen Weigel, “Stop being average and start being extraordinary,” Star Tribune, October 29th, 2012, accessed October 29th, 2012.

 

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October 24, 2012 5 Ways To Get ‘Unstuck’ From Life Ruts

When you’re in a rut–be it in a job, in between jobs or just in general–becoming “unstuck” can be very difficult. While in this position, you may feel trapped, unmotivated or defeated. You may be tempted to settle. Don’t!

We all get in ruts, at times feeling trapped by our circumstances, and this is okay. However, the worst thing to do in this situation is to remain engaged in whatever it is that is making you unsatisfied. Something needs changing and changing takes action. Today, I’ll give you five tried and true ways to free yourself from the funk so you can get back to living a rewarding life.

Get out of the comfort zone! Often the real cause of feeling stuck comes from the very habits we’ve created to be more comfortable. Our comfort zone feels good, but also has the potential to keep us from experiencing life. When we see too much of the same thing day after day, it’s easy to fall into the doldrums. Do something new! Get involved in an activity you’ve never tried. Give it a shot even if you’ve failed at it in the past. In doing so, you’ll prove to yourself that you’re adaptable, resilient to setbacks and who knows, maybe you’ll find a talent or passion you weren’t ever aware of. Why not try dance?

Exercise, exercise, exercise We often forget the brain is part of the body, and the body was made to move. Research continues to confirm that the brain performs better and we feel better when we exercise.1 Whether it’s yoga, jogging, taking a walk or lifting weights, daily physical activity will motivate you to get out of the funk by stimulating your brain.

Travel somewhere new

Like exercise, travel stimulates the brain as well, (probably due to the fact that we humans were nomadic creatures not too long ago). It’s in our nature to crave a change of scenery. It doesn’t need to be an expensive, extravagant trip. It can be something as simple as a weekend trek to a neighboring state, a train ride across the country, or a camping adventure with the family.

Make a point to be kind to those around you This obvious step is easily ignored when we get trapped in ruts. We become so wrapped up in ourselves, we forget to reach out and engage with others. Taking time at work, at home, and with friends to connect and share is one of the best ways to enrich your life. Kindness is reciprocal, after all.

Try to read for pleasure (everyday!) Reading for pleasure forces your brain to create entire worlds out of thin air, and books offer differing perspectives on life that you may have never considered. What’s more, reading gives you time to recover from exercise and have a moment to yourself, and works as a great sleeping aid if you get into the habit of reading right before bed.

These suggestions promote positive change, but the key to each of these is your attitude. You must eliminate the words “wish, hope, maybe and should” from your vocabulary and replace them with “can, will and do.” Feeling stuck is temporary and common, and you have the power to get yourself out of it. Trust that you will!

1 “The Human Brain,” The Franklin Institute, accessed October 22, 2012, http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/exercise.html

2 “Staying on Top of Your Game,” Psychology Foundation of Canada, accessed October 22, 2012, http://www.psychologyfoundation.org/pdf/TopOfYourGame/3.pdf

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