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“Creating Successful Leaders”

January 30, 2013 On Forgiving Others (And Ourselves)

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” -Mark Twain

A recipe for bitterness, cynicism and discontent is the inability to forgive.

We must forgive. It is crucial for leading a fulfilling life. And while most of us are able to forgive others, we often have the most trouble with forgiving ourselves. This week, I want to touch on both, and talk about how and why forgiveness in all its forms is a necessary element for powerful living.

We often confuse forgiveness with pretending the offending person didn’t hurt us, or think that it means we must shove away our pain and anger into a small corner of our psyche. However, neither of these describe true forgiveness. Psychologist Clarann Goldring states that forgiveness is “letting go of the need to fix the wrong and/or get even with the person.”

You see, forgiveness is for us. You could look at it as a healthy selfishness. Goldring points out that your personal baggage “doesn’t hurt the person you’re mad at in the least. The heavy burden falls on you, often for years.” Is this a good way to live?

Again, we shouldn’t condone the actions of the person that wronged us. But notice the word “wronged” is in the past tense. It already happened, and nothing can change that. So you can choose to move on, or you can continue to let past actions poison your present life.

Yet many of us struggle far more with forgiving ourselves. Like forgiving others, the first step is accepting the reality that wrongs were committed, in this case by you. But from there, forgiving oneself is a way of getting on with life, free from burden. An article in Psychology Today on the matter states that forgiving oneself “accompanies a resolution to change one’s behavior and act differently in the future.” In other words, when we forgive ourselves, we feel more motivated to get the things done that we want to do, free from the mistakes we’ve made in the past.

For instance, we tend to procrastinate less when not bogged down in feelings of guilt and regret. Procrastination acts as a downward spiral of guilt, shame and self-fulfilling prophesy. But when we forgive ourselves for avoiding an important task early on, we reduce the emotional stress associated with procrastination, which makes us “less likely to avoid the stimulus associated with the feelings in the first place.”

It’s easy to avoid the act of forgiving. We often feel justified when we hold onto wrongdoings of the past. “I was wronged! I’m right to be angry!” we stubbornly shout. And perhaps this is true. Yet what does it change to stay angry? All it does is perpetuate the negativity that occurred in the past. The greatest part of forgiveness is the empowerment it equips you with. You may have been wronged, or you may have wronged someone else, yet you also have the power to release yourself from the “already happened.” Don’t get stuck in the past. You have too many great things to build in the “right now” that are going to demand your full focus.

References

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php

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January 23, 2013 Patience: More Than A Virtue

If driving has taught me anything, it’s that we as a society are quick to drop our “patience is a virtue” mantra the moment we actually need it. Due to the increased speed of everything around us—faster cars, quicker communication, moment-by-moment news stories all day long—we aren’t very good at being patient.

Being impatient negatively impacts your life. It increases stress, which can lead to possible health problems down the road. According to an article in CNN, studies found a “correlation between having sense of time urgency and impatience (TUI) and an increased risk of hypertension and high blood pressure.”

Mentally and emotionally, impatience is both a result of and conducive to living selfishly. It is the little child’s voice we still live with, loudly shouting, “I need this, and I need it now!” Many never outgrow the terrible twos in this sense. When they don’t get their way in a prompt manner, they throw the forty year old version of a temper tantrum.

The fact is, you don’t need “it” now, whatever it may be. From something as trivial as a car in front of you missing a green light, to something as big as a job promotion, you can wait. Not only that, you should.

But why? We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” since we were little. Is there any real truth to this common saying?

Yes! Simply put, patient people are happier people.

In his book, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living, Allan Lokos points out the misconception many people have that “an emotional state is embedded in us and we can’t free ourselves from it.” In reality, people are much more complex than that.  Patience, just like dependability, honesty, and follow-through, is a learned behavior. Lokos stresses mindfulness, or being aware of a situation and your  reactions to it, as a way to develop a patient demeanor. “We sense impatience, annoyance and anger as they begin to arise within us and then we invite our calmer, wiser self to be present.”

Learning to live at peace in the moment isn’t always easy. But patience is a sign of emotional maturity as opposed to the selfish nature of impatience. Here are a few quick tips for those moments throughout the day that drive you crazy:

1. Breath and Relax. Most of us harbor tension and stress in our shoulders and arms without even realizing it. Teach yourself to stay loose throughout the day, as this will help you feel better and therefore less likely to become impatient.

2. Take a Step Out of the Situation. Is it that big of a deal? I mean, really. Will you even remember it at the end of the day? This is a good test to see if you tend toward becoming impatient over trivial things.

3. Distract Yourself With The Present Moment. Wow! You’re living right now! Where are you? What’s going on? Take a look around and realize that this moment is unique and special, and won’t ever be reproduced quite the same way. Instead of trying to speed up time, focus on things you actually have control over. One of them is your choice to be patient.

“”Study Says Patience Is More Than A Virture,” last modified November 20, 2002, http://articles.cnn.com/2002-11-20/health/type.a.heart_1_tui-impatience-young-adults?_s=PM:HEALTH

Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living (New York:Penguin) 2012: 19, 21.

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January 16, 2013 Tricks to Becoming A Great Persuader

Let’s face it: the world can be a competitive place. If you’re passionate about something and wish to pursue it, others are definitely doing the same. If you think you’re very good at something, there’s someone out there who’s better. Everyday, we must navigate through a world in which everyone is fighting for numero uno.

This is why persuasive skills are a must-have. To be successful in your endeavors, whatever they may be, you’ll need to convince others that you are worth their time.

The following are a few techniques to help you be more persuasive.

1. Frame Your Words Carefully

Consider these two sentences, and tell me which one is more effective.

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in furthering my career.”

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in new opportunities and challenges.”

The second one, right? These sentences both convey someone wishing to be considered for a promotion. Yet the second sentence focuses on personal growth and a desire to learn, while the first seems to say that the person, at the end of the day, is really only in it for themselves.

Politicians use framing all the time. Consider the terms “pro-life” and “pro-choice.” If you swap the “pro” with “anti” to make them “anti-life” and “anti-choice,” you see what each side is trying to emphasize.

These are subtle, yet intentional ways to make your proposal more enticing.

2. Mirror Body Language

When trying to persuade someone, mirroring their body language makes you seem empathetic. In fact, if you’re an empathetic person to begin with, you are probably doing this without realizing it, which is good! People instinctively try to form alliances whenever possible, and by copying their mannerisms (subtly, of course!), you’re signaling to them that you understand them and are on their side.

3. Fluid Speech

Too many “umm’s,” “err’s” or other fillers gives off the impression that you aren’t confident, and confidence is crucial for successful persuasion. Work on making your speech smooth, fluid, and controlled. Don’t rush through your proposal or argument. Instead, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and speak as you would to a good friend.

If you feel the need to utter an “err,” here’s a tip: Often, when in a position of pressure, such as an interview or a presentation, we are inclined to speak much more quickly than we usually would. If you feel an “um” coming on, it’s a cue that you need to slow down and take a breath. Change out the filler word with silence. This may sound crazy, but actually, a few seconds of silence between sentences gives off an impression of confidence and control of the situation. Watch politicians speak, focusing on how they take tough questions, and you’ll see what I mean.

4. Break The Touch Barrier; Use First Names

You’ll need to use common sense for this one, since some situations aren’t going to allow for you to do this. However, because we humans subconsciously desire to bond, physical touch can make it more likely that the person you’re persuading will accept you as an ally and feel inclined to agree to your proposal. This can be a light pat on the shoulder, a joking “punch” on the arm (not a real punch, obviously), or a reassuring and gentle arm squeeze. Again, you’ll need to use your intuition on this. I wouldn’t, for instance, do the joking punch thing at a job interview.

In the same vein, work on using someone’s first name mid-sentence  This does two things. First of all, it instinctively demands the person’s attention. Should, for any reason, the person begin to show signs of losing attention, inserting their name into your speech will snap them back into the present. Secondly, it triggers the same subconscious bond that physical touch does; it gives them the sense that you’re on the same team.

5. If you believe in your proposal, others will too

This is the most important trick. Too often I see people clearly uninterested in the thing they’re trying to sell/promote/propose. This is perhaps the single biggest turnoff when it comes to persuasion. How in the world do you expect others to get behind you when you’re not behind it yourself? Enthusiasm and passion are contagious; use this as a persuasive tool.

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