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January 23, 2013 Patience: More Than A Virtue

If driving has taught me anything, it’s that we as a society are quick to drop our “patience is a virtue” mantra the moment we actually need it. Due to the increased speed of everything around us—faster cars, quicker communication, moment-by-moment news stories all day long—we aren’t very good at being patient.

Being impatient negatively impacts your life. It increases stress, which can lead to possible health problems down the road. According to an article in CNN, studies found a “correlation between having sense of time urgency and impatience (TUI) and an increased risk of hypertension and high blood pressure.”

Mentally and emotionally, impatience is both a result of and conducive to living selfishly. It is the little child’s voice we still live with, loudly shouting, “I need this, and I need it now!” Many never outgrow the terrible twos in this sense. When they don’t get their way in a prompt manner, they throw the forty year old version of a temper tantrum.

The fact is, you don’t need “it” now, whatever it may be. From something as trivial as a car in front of you missing a green light, to something as big as a job promotion, you can wait. Not only that, you should.

But why? We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” since we were little. Is there any real truth to this common saying?

Yes! Simply put, patient people are happier people.

In his book, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living, Allan Lokos points out the misconception many people have that “an emotional state is embedded in us and we can’t free ourselves from it.” In reality, people are much more complex than that.  Patience, just like dependability, honesty, and follow-through, is a learned behavior. Lokos stresses mindfulness, or being aware of a situation and your  reactions to it, as a way to develop a patient demeanor. “We sense impatience, annoyance and anger as they begin to arise within us and then we invite our calmer, wiser self to be present.”

Learning to live at peace in the moment isn’t always easy. But patience is a sign of emotional maturity as opposed to the selfish nature of impatience. Here are a few quick tips for those moments throughout the day that drive you crazy:

1. Breath and Relax. Most of us harbor tension and stress in our shoulders and arms without even realizing it. Teach yourself to stay loose throughout the day, as this will help you feel better and therefore less likely to become impatient.

2. Take a Step Out of the Situation. Is it that big of a deal? I mean, really. Will you even remember it at the end of the day? This is a good test to see if you tend toward becoming impatient over trivial things.

3. Distract Yourself With The Present Moment. Wow! You’re living right now! Where are you? What’s going on? Take a look around and realize that this moment is unique and special, and won’t ever be reproduced quite the same way. Instead of trying to speed up time, focus on things you actually have control over. One of them is your choice to be patient.

“”Study Says Patience Is More Than A Virture,” last modified November 20, 2002, http://articles.cnn.com/2002-11-20/health/type.a.heart_1_tui-impatience-young-adults?_s=PM:HEALTH

Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living (New York:Penguin) 2012: 19, 21.

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January 16, 2013 Tricks to Becoming A Great Persuader

Let’s face it: the world can be a competitive place. If you’re passionate about something and wish to pursue it, others are definitely doing the same. If you think you’re very good at something, there’s someone out there who’s better. Everyday, we must navigate through a world in which everyone is fighting for numero uno.

This is why persuasive skills are a must-have. To be successful in your endeavors, whatever they may be, you’ll need to convince others that you are worth their time.

The following are a few techniques to help you be more persuasive.

1. Frame Your Words Carefully

Consider these two sentences, and tell me which one is more effective.

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in furthering my career.”

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in new opportunities and challenges.”

The second one, right? These sentences both convey someone wishing to be considered for a promotion. Yet the second sentence focuses on personal growth and a desire to learn, while the first seems to say that the person, at the end of the day, is really only in it for themselves.

Politicians use framing all the time. Consider the terms “pro-life” and “pro-choice.” If you swap the “pro” with “anti” to make them “anti-life” and “anti-choice,” you see what each side is trying to emphasize.

These are subtle, yet intentional ways to make your proposal more enticing.

2. Mirror Body Language

When trying to persuade someone, mirroring their body language makes you seem empathetic. In fact, if you’re an empathetic person to begin with, you are probably doing this without realizing it, which is good! People instinctively try to form alliances whenever possible, and by copying their mannerisms (subtly, of course!), you’re signaling to them that you understand them and are on their side.

3. Fluid Speech

Too many “umm’s,” “err’s” or other fillers gives off the impression that you aren’t confident, and confidence is crucial for successful persuasion. Work on making your speech smooth, fluid, and controlled. Don’t rush through your proposal or argument. Instead, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and speak as you would to a good friend.

If you feel the need to utter an “err,” here’s a tip: Often, when in a position of pressure, such as an interview or a presentation, we are inclined to speak much more quickly than we usually would. If you feel an “um” coming on, it’s a cue that you need to slow down and take a breath. Change out the filler word with silence. This may sound crazy, but actually, a few seconds of silence between sentences gives off an impression of confidence and control of the situation. Watch politicians speak, focusing on how they take tough questions, and you’ll see what I mean.

4. Break The Touch Barrier; Use First Names

You’ll need to use common sense for this one, since some situations aren’t going to allow for you to do this. However, because we humans subconsciously desire to bond, physical touch can make it more likely that the person you’re persuading will accept you as an ally and feel inclined to agree to your proposal. This can be a light pat on the shoulder, a joking “punch” on the arm (not a real punch, obviously), or a reassuring and gentle arm squeeze. Again, you’ll need to use your intuition on this. I wouldn’t, for instance, do the joking punch thing at a job interview.

In the same vein, work on using someone’s first name mid-sentence  This does two things. First of all, it instinctively demands the person’s attention. Should, for any reason, the person begin to show signs of losing attention, inserting their name into your speech will snap them back into the present. Secondly, it triggers the same subconscious bond that physical touch does; it gives them the sense that you’re on the same team.

5. If you believe in your proposal, others will too

This is the most important trick. Too often I see people clearly uninterested in the thing they’re trying to sell/promote/propose. This is perhaps the single biggest turnoff when it comes to persuasion. How in the world do you expect others to get behind you when you’re not behind it yourself? Enthusiasm and passion are contagious; use this as a persuasive tool.

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January 2, 2013 Becoming A Better Community Builder

We are social creatures. Take a moment to consider where we would be without our ability to work together. Let’s go back, way back, to the very first humans. What did they have to contend with? Large, carnivorous beasts? Check. Extreme climates and unpredictable weather patterns? Check. Other human-like primates fighting for land? Oh yeah.

Now, consider the average human being. Between 5-6 feet tall, mostly hairless, not too strong. Any common wild animal could tear a person apart. Humans can’t fly, aren’t especially fast runners. No claws, no sharp teeth, no protective shielding for their soft skin. Compared to most other successful creatures on the planet, we humans are pretty weak.

So why, when we look anywhere on the globe today, are humans the clear top dogs?

Community.

We are more intelligent than other animals, yes, but it was our ability to use our bigger brains to cooperate that made all the difference.

Don’t worry, this hasn’t turned into an anthropology blog. I’m looking back in time in order to give clarity to the state of the typical modern life. Much of our stress, unhappiness and discontent can be traced back to an imbalance in community, a neglect of maintaining our life teams.

In many ways, we’ve fashioned little protective cocoons in all areas of living today. We drive in heated, wheeled boxes we call cars, we plug into portable musical devices at all waking hours, we’re more concerned  with our smartphones than we are with what’s going on in our immediate vicinity. Behaviors like these can work against our need for vibrant community.

So how do we return to what made us successful as a species in the first place?

1. Be Present. Think about your average day, and take note of the times you spend “plugged in” on phones, computers or music devices. Limit yourself to using these devices only when you need them. It’s also fine to give yourself a little free time for web surfing or phone games, but keep track of how often you plug in for fun, and always give your attention to what’s going on around you over what’s happening online. Make a point to engage in the moment, wherever you are. Being present allows you to see the opportunities for connection all around you. And when you’re present, others will feed off this, which creates an environment ripe for community-building.

2. Become a key part of a group. Strong communities are ones which utilize the strengths of every individual in order to achieve a common goal. Hopefully you know your strengths (and if you don’t, check out the Insights assessment on my site!), and can be able to see where your skills or abilities would help others.

3. Stay proactive about meeting people, spending time with people, and sharing your life with those around you. The hardest part about belonging to a strong community is the work and maintenance involved. Many people have marveled at how strong my relationship with my neighbors is. We have numerous neighborhood parties, cook-outs and traditions. Our doors are always open, and none of us hesitate to ask to borrow some brown sugar or a snow shovel. I always tell people who ask that this didn’t just happen. We all have to plan and really work to keep the traditions going. We also have to be present during tough times, ready to assist each other even when we ourselves are swamped with tasks. But it’s all worth it.

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