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“Creating Successful Leaders”

Category Archives: Changing Your Life

November 17, 2021 The secret of emotional control

I get it. It’s difficult to maintain your enthusiasm about work/life/everything when things still seem pretty bad. Every day, we’re bombarded with grim news stories and reminded, yet again, of how dire things are for the planet and for people on all corners of the earth. Plus, many of us are still working from home and trying to balance work and life (kid’s soccer games, doctor’s appointments, keeping a clean house, etc., etc.) as best we can. It can all feel…overwhelming. So how can we possibly wrangle our emotions and convince ourselves that we’re happy or energized?

Well, here’s the thing about emotions: Even if you have to fake a certain emotion for a while, you’ll eventually feel it.

Before I explain, let me offer one important caveat: This advice does not pertain to people struggling with depression or other serious medical conditions. It is meant for those who are simply overwhelmed, feeling a little listless, or could use an energy boost.

That said, let me explain the concept of “fake it until you feel it.”

Essentially, when you want to feel a certain emotion—joy, confidence enthusiasm—do your best to mimic that emotion, and you will eventually genuinely feel it. Amy Cuddy suggests standing in a “power pose” for a few minutes before going into a big meeting to boost your confidence. Similarly, if you’re feeling a little low and want to boost your happiness, smile! Feel your face brighten and your body lift.

This advice isn’t just a “nice idea.” It’s rooted in neuroscience. According to psychologist Michael Schreiner, “…the barrier between external reality and internal reality is basically nonexistent. For example, scans have shown that you can feel happy and therefore smile, or just contort your face into the shape of a smile whether you feel happy or not, and your brain will respond the same way, releasing the same chemicals.” In short, it is usually possible to trick your brain into feeling whatever you wish to feel.

And that is powerful. It means your emotions are somewhat in your own hands.

So, what to do with this newfound knowledge?

First of all, understand that you have power and control. Your emotions are your own, and you can bend them to your will. Once you realize that, you can begin to “fake it until you feel it.” Smile when you’re having a lousy day. Act energized even when you’re feeling drained. Exude confidence even when you’re feeling timid. By putting your best foot forward and simply trying, you spark something in your brain. You begin to think that maybe (just, maybe!) things aren’t so bad. And you begin to gradually feel better.

This is all part of establishing a healthy emotional pattern. It may not be easy at first to get into a healthy, positive mindset, but the more you practice, the easier it will be. So, practice! Make a concerted effort to feel more joyful, positive, enthusiastic, or confident and see if you can trick your brain into actually embracing (not just faking!) these emotions.

MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE. 
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE. 

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November 3, 2021 Can You Ever Be Too Generous?

To live magnanimously and care about others is, by and large, a good thing. The generosity of people fuels positive change and makes this (sometimes troubled) world a better place to live. Generous people help alleviate hunger, fight for social justice, and help clean up our water and air through environmental initiatives. These actions, of course, are good things. But can a person ever be too generous?

Well, yes and no. Generosity on its own is a good thing, but it can go too far if you’re giving and giving at the expense of your own well-being and health. This is when generosity actually stops being generosity and becomes “self-sacrifice.”

Author and psychologist Adam Grant distinguishes generosity from self-sacrifice by saying that, “Generosity is not about sacrificing yourself for others — it’s about helping others without harming yourself. It’s not about giving to takers — it is giving in ways that nurture more givers.” Self-sacrifice, on the other hand, is one-sided and may not produce the same positive ripple that generosity does.

Grant uses the book The Giving Tree as an example of toxic self-sacrifice. The tree gives and gives of itself to the boy, until there is nothing left of the tree but a stump. Through its self-sacrifice (and eventual self-destruction), the tree is reduced to nothing, and the boy scarcely cares about her sacrifices. A valuable lesson is lost on the boy. As Grant suggests, he might have planted other trees—laying down a better future for his children and amplifying the tree’s sacrifice. But he didn’t.

Applying this metaphor to the real world, it’s a good idea to be cautious with generosity and make sure it doesn’t morph into self-sacrifice.

When you give endlessly, your well will eventually run dry, and that won’t do anyone (including yourself!) any good. Instead, focus on giving in ways that are sustainable for you and others. Instead of completing someone else’s reports, for instance, teach them how to fill out the reports. Instead of involving yourself in programs that occasionally give to communities (without their input or involvement), focus on programs that uplift and involve the people in those communities. For instance, the Urban Roots program in St. Paul, MN teaches young adults valuable life and leadership skills by teaching them how to garden, conserve, and cook.

This all goes back to the old adage, “If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; if you teach a man to fish; he’ll eat for a lifetime.”

Furthermore, if you feel yourself burning out from constantly giving to others, that’s a signal that you need to step back, take a break, and evaluate your next steps. It’s possible that the path you’re currently on is too demanding and requires too much self-sacrifice. What could you possibly change to ease your responsibilities? What support do you need?

Evaluating and making changes to your current situation and is not selfish. It’s necessary. Giving and giving can only take you so far—once your leafy branches are stripped away and your trunk is cut down, what then? Instead, be mindful of your generosity, intentionally plan how you will give to others, and make sure you’re not tiptoeing into self-sacrifice territory. Your intentional generosity will make a world of difference.

MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE. 
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE. 

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October 20, 2021 Keeping Energized Over Winter Months

In many parts of the northern hemisphere, winter is right around the corner. While some people enjoy the cold weather and relish the thought of hot cocoa and sweaters, others dread the winter months and see this period as a time of isolation and darkness. Whether you love or loathe winter (or fall somewhere in the middle), it’s probable you occasionally struggle with maintaining a high energy level during a time when days are shorter and we’re more prone to staying indoors for long stretches of time.

How to deal with the inevitable lack of energy? Here are 4 ideas:

1. Find a winter buddy

Maintaining human connections can be enormously helpful when you’re trudging through the winter months. Find a friend (or multiple!) who also has trouble staying energized during winter and plan small outings together. Visit a conservatory (a warm reprieve during chilly weather!), grab a cup of coffee, see a movie, or walk laps at a local mall. These small moments of personal contact can make a big difference.

You might also consider joining a local club or social group (painting, knitting, storytelling, books, volunteering, etc.). Find these groups through Meetup.com or by simply asking about them on social media (Facebook or Nextdoor are great places to start).

2. Reward yourself

If you find yourself with little energy and a full workload, try breaking up your work into small pieces and bribing yourself with a series of mini rewards. For instance, if you have five items you need to accomplish on a given day, reward yourself after each item. Rewards might include reading for 10-15 minutes, working on a crossword puzzle, eating a piece of chocolate or other treat, or playing an online game or browsing social media for 15 minutes. To keep yourself on track, set timers for both your work (to motivate you) and your breaks (to make sure your break isn’t too long). 

3. Exercise regularly

Though it may sound counterintuitive, exercise is one of the best ways to combat low energy. Moving your body not only gets the blood flowing, but also releases mood-boosting endorphins. If the idea of going for a winter walk or hitting the gym feels daunting, start by simply putting on your workout clothing and shoes. This act, alone, can get you in the right mindset and carry you into your workout. Additionally, it’s a good idea to find something you enjoy doing, whether that’s swimming, lifting weights, walking, or doing group yoga or pilates sessions.

4. Take Vitamin D and use SAD lamps

A lack of sunshine can have a very real psychological effect. According to Healthline, “Decreased sun exposure has been associated with a drop in your serotonin levels, which can lead to major depression with seasonal pattern.” To help overcome the lack of sunlight, try regularly taking Vitamin D (which is associated with exposure to sunlight) or purchase a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lamp. A SAD lamp produces the kind of light that mimics sunshine and can help elevate your mood.

There are many different ways to ease winter woes and improve your energy. Make a plan, try different approaches, and see what works for you. If all else fails, seek help from a certified professional to help you through the cold, dark months.

MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE. 
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE. 

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