Category Archives: Advice from a Life Coach
April 5, 2023 Do You Overuse “I’m Sorry”?
As young children, most of us were taught good manners. Say please and thank you. Ask for permission. If you mess up or hurt someone, say, “I’m sorry.” While these lessons can be very helpful, sometimes they carry over into adulthood a little too strongly. Specifically, many of us end up apologizing for things that do not require an apology.
What do I mean?
Let’s say you’re in a meeting and someone presents incorrect data. You’re very familiar with the data that should have been presented, so you decide to speak up. Your inclination might be to say something like, “Sorry, but I have to weigh in here…” or “Sorry, but those numbers aren’t quite right…”
Who are you apologizing to? And why?
In truth, there’s no need to be sorry. You’re helping out the team by providing the correct data. The word “Sorry” makes it sound like you did something wrong or hurtful, when that isn’t the case. Instead, you might rephrase your statement to, “I’d like to provide some additional information…” or “If I may, I’d like to offer a different perspective…”
You also don’t need to apologize for technical difficulties, asking someone for clarification, or missing work due to an illness (or a child’s illness). Instead of saying, “Sorry, my microphone wasn’t working,” say, “Thank you for your patience while I dealt with tech issues.” Instead of saying, “Sorry I can’t come in today,” say, “I appreciate your flexibility.”
Why Do We Over Apologize?
There are a few different reasons why we might find ourselves overusing the word “Sorry.” We might be apologizing out of politeness or because we don’t want to impose on other people. We may not be sure of ourselves and feel like we need to back our statements up with an apology.
In some cases, apologizing too much can actually weaken our arguments. It gives off the perception that we are unsure of our statements, even if that’s not the case. It also takes away from our confidence and makes us come off as less assertive.
Women are especially guilty of “over apologizing.” A study by the University of Waterloo in Canada shows that women apologize much more frequently than men. The reason, they say, is because men “have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Women, take note! Speaking up during a meeting probably isn’t offensive. Having a different opinion, or showing up a few minutes late, or sneezing during a meeting isn’t offensive.
Taking Back Your Power
If you feel that you overuse “I’m sorry” in situations that don’t require an apology, take a step back and analyze your speech patterns. Pay attention to how often you use the word and if you’re using it when it’s unnecessary.
From there, try to change your language. Instead of apologizing, opt for phrases like “Thanks for understanding” or “I appreciate it.” You’ll sound more confident and in control of the discussion. Plus, it won’t take away your power or make it look like you’re trying to diminish your authority.
It is important to understand when an apology is necessary, and when it is not. Being aware of our language and speech patterns can help us realize if we are overusing the phrase “I’m sorry.” Changing our language to sound more confident and in control can be a powerful tool for assertiveness, and re-phrasing our statements with phrases can help us take back the power in those situations. Practicing these techniques can help make sure we know when an apology is truly necessary.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY (AND DEEPER DISCOVERY) LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
CHECK OUT MARGARET’S ONLINE LEADERSHIP COURSE.
Tags: don't over apologize, don't overuse I'm sorry, Margaret Smith business coach, margaret smith career coach, women over apologize, women say I'm sorry, workplace apology
March 8, 2023 The Courage to Change Your Mind
A version of this post was first published on July 29, 2020.
“Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a man in the process of changing.”
Brandon Sanderson, Author of Oathbringer
It takes courage to admit when you’re wrong, and it takes even more courage to shift your perspective and open yourself to change. The older we get, the easier it is to do things the same way day in, day out. We become entrenched in our beliefs, and it becomes more and more difficult to shift our way of thinking.
In psychology, this “set in your ways” attitude is called mental rigidity.
While it’s normal and healthy to have a routine, mental rigidity goes a step further. It limits how you see the world, makes you less adaptable, and causes you to be closed off to new ideas or perspectives. As one article puts it, “Mental rigidity cuts off the wings you need for imagination, improvement, and exploring new places.”
Mental rigidity can also make it difficult to have empathy–to walk a mile in another’s shoes. We become accustomed to one reality, one way of life, and that becomes the ONLY way. However, different people hail from different backgrounds and have different experiences and beliefs. We can’t necessarily KNOW what another person is thinking or feeling, but we can attempt to UNDERSTAND.
When you introduce yourself to different perspectives, beliefs, and vantage points, you do something a little scary: You open yourself to the possibility that your deeply entrenched attitudes and ways to thinking might change.
Change is never easy, especially when others expect you to remain the same. When you begin to shift your perspective or beliefs, you might face criticism from those who think you’re a “hypocrite” or “wishy-washy.”
I challenge you to stick to your guns and make an honest effort to change, if you believe that change is necessary. Recognize that you are doing yourself a service in the long run, and others’ snide remarks can’t stop you from continuing to learn and grow.
On the same token, be gracious to those who change their minds. No one has all the answers, and it’s okay to learn and evolve. In fact, it is healthy.
So, be fearless. Challenge your assumptions and be bold enough to get uncomfortable. It is only when we dare to step outside our comfort zones that we can truly expand our horizons and potentially change our points of view.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE.
Tags: changing mindset, Changing Your Mind, courage to change your mind, Margaret Smith life coach, Margaret Smith Minneapolis career coach, Personal Growth
- Leave a comment
- Posted under Advice from a Life Coach, Changing Your Life, Transitions
March 1, 2023 The “I Already Won” Mentality
A version of this post was first published on March 10, 2021.
How do you feel when you know something is a “sure thing?” When actions are so familiar and easy—driving a car, making a familiar recipe, doing a daily task at work—you do them almost automatically. You know you’ll achieve what you’ve set out to do. These everyday, routine tasks can be thought of as wins—tiny victories that are a sure bet.
But what if we dared to believe that other, bigger actions were also wins? What if we assumed we will give a flawless presentation, sign on a new client, or solve a problem?
There’s a certain amount of confidence and ease that accompanies this “I already won” mentality. If you’re certain, for instance, that you’re going to sign on a new client, your body language, tone, and the content of your speech changes. You convey that this action will happen. It’s inevitable.
Using the above example, you might start speaking to the potential new client using different language and terms. You might say, “When we start working together,” instead of “If we end up working together.” Or, you might say, “You’re going to love X, Y, and Z,” instead of, “If we work together, you’ll enjoy X, Y, and Z.”
Using stronger, more confident language is only one positive side effect of an “I already won” mentality. You’ll also find that your body language changes. You may become more relaxed and less anxious or tense. You won’t sound desperate to land the client or nervous that you said the wrong thing. When your body language relaxes, you’ll end up seeming more approachable and inviting—qualities people tend to appreciate.
When you’re confident that you will achieve a certain victory, you start moving beyond the stage where you worry and fret about the outcome and begin thinking about what you will do once you’ve accomplished what you’ve set out to do. This way of thinking is productive and forward-looking.
And what happens if you DO fail?
It’s bound to happen at some point, but my best advice is this: Don’t dwell on it. It likely wasn’t your confidence or approachability that was the problem; it was something else. Maybe a potential client simply couldn’t afford your offering. Maybe you didn’t get that promotion because you needed to have a certain certificate. Maybe the timing simply wasn’t right. Whatever the case, it’s best to pick yourself up, re-strategize, and keep moving forward.
With confidence.
MARGARET SMITH IS A CAREER COACH, AUTHOR, INSIGHTS® DISCOVERY LICENSED PRACTITIONER, AND FOUNDER OF UXL. SHE HOSTS WORKSHOPS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED CAREER OR PERSONAL GUIDANCE.
HER NEW EBOOK IS CALLED A QUICK GUIDE TO COURAGE.
Tags: confidence and success, confidence-boosting techniques, I already won mentality, margaret smith career coach, Margaret Smith life coach, positive mentality, winning mentality
UXL Blog 