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“Creating Successful Leaders”

Category Archives: Advice from a Life Coach

November 28, 2012 Where Do Courage and Vulnerability Meet?

In her new book, Daring Greatly, psychologist and speaker Brené Brown shares a surprising revelation: courage comes from being vulnerable.

At first, this confused me. Isn’t courage about inner strength? About self-confidence and boldness? Where does vulnerability fit in a courageous life?

But Brown makes an important clarification early on: “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure everyday are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement.”

The act of living will always bring uncertainty, risk and the likelihood of being letdown. We are all vulnerable. So, our options are to either learn to deal with this, or to construct barriers trying to avoid it.

While we instinctively tend toward the latter as a way to fight against our imperfections, this is actually a sign of our “fear and disconnection.” Yet Brown says we can measure our courage by how fully we engage in the world despite the fact this makes us vulnerable.

We don’t have enough time to perfect ourselves or become immune to vulnerability. Yet even if we did, would it be worth sacrificing countless enriching life experiences just to avoid getting our feathers rustled every so often?

“Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.”

Courage, then, results naturally from embracing our vulnerability. But what does this look like on a daily level?

1. Allow yourself (and others) room to fail. While it is important to have high standards, you shouldn’t set them too high so as to leave no space for messing up. Messing up is how we grow. Whether these are standards for yourself, for your friends, your children or your coworkers, be sure that you leave some wiggle room. Build your expectations around the fact that you and everyone else will at some point come up short. And be excited about this! For this is where true growth happens.

“When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.”

2. Make decisions based on your own beliefs and convictions. …Not on how likely you think a decision will expose you to vulnerability. Stick to your what you believe in, and be aware that you’ll probably criticized. But true courage means acting in the manner you feel is best for you regardless of outside resistance.

3. Failure is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a breakthrough. When you do encounter moments of vulnerability, take it in stride. You’ll learn from this. You’ll be forced to tackle the problem differently. You’ll grow. Embracing this truth is a courage in and of itself; it demonstrates that you truly believe that you are worthy no matter how well you perform.

We all could use a little courage as the holiday season descends upon us. So stay tuned these next few weeks, as I’ll talk about ways to manage holiday-induced stress, methods of task delegation, and keeping the real purpose of the holidays in our sights in the midst of the busy season.

Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live (New York: Gotham Books).

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October 24, 2012 5 Ways To Get ‘Unstuck’ From Life Ruts

When you’re in a rut–be it in a job, in between jobs or just in general–becoming “unstuck” can be very difficult. While in this position, you may feel trapped, unmotivated or defeated. You may be tempted to settle. Don’t!

We all get in ruts, at times feeling trapped by our circumstances, and this is okay. However, the worst thing to do in this situation is to remain engaged in whatever it is that is making you unsatisfied. Something needs changing and changing takes action. Today, I’ll give you five tried and true ways to free yourself from the funk so you can get back to living a rewarding life.

Get out of the comfort zone! Often the real cause of feeling stuck comes from the very habits we’ve created to be more comfortable. Our comfort zone feels good, but also has the potential to keep us from experiencing life. When we see too much of the same thing day after day, it’s easy to fall into the doldrums. Do something new! Get involved in an activity you’ve never tried. Give it a shot even if you’ve failed at it in the past. In doing so, you’ll prove to yourself that you’re adaptable, resilient to setbacks and who knows, maybe you’ll find a talent or passion you weren’t ever aware of. Why not try dance?

Exercise, exercise, exercise We often forget the brain is part of the body, and the body was made to move. Research continues to confirm that the brain performs better and we feel better when we exercise.1 Whether it’s yoga, jogging, taking a walk or lifting weights, daily physical activity will motivate you to get out of the funk by stimulating your brain.

Travel somewhere new

Like exercise, travel stimulates the brain as well, (probably due to the fact that we humans were nomadic creatures not too long ago). It’s in our nature to crave a change of scenery. It doesn’t need to be an expensive, extravagant trip. It can be something as simple as a weekend trek to a neighboring state, a train ride across the country, or a camping adventure with the family.

Make a point to be kind to those around you This obvious step is easily ignored when we get trapped in ruts. We become so wrapped up in ourselves, we forget to reach out and engage with others. Taking time at work, at home, and with friends to connect and share is one of the best ways to enrich your life. Kindness is reciprocal, after all.

Try to read for pleasure (everyday!) Reading for pleasure forces your brain to create entire worlds out of thin air, and books offer differing perspectives on life that you may have never considered. What’s more, reading gives you time to recover from exercise and have a moment to yourself, and works as a great sleeping aid if you get into the habit of reading right before bed.

These suggestions promote positive change, but the key to each of these is your attitude. You must eliminate the words “wish, hope, maybe and should” from your vocabulary and replace them with “can, will and do.” Feeling stuck is temporary and common, and you have the power to get yourself out of it. Trust that you will!

1 “The Human Brain,” The Franklin Institute, accessed October 22, 2012, http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/exercise.html

2 “Staying on Top of Your Game,” Psychology Foundation of Canada, accessed October 22, 2012, http://www.psychologyfoundation.org/pdf/TopOfYourGame/3.pdf

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October 10, 2012 Slaying The Mythical Dream Job Beast

What To Do With My Life?  This is the feared question–poking at the backs of our brains, causing lost sleep, nibbled nails, much contemplation, option-weighing and stressing…

And it’s a question that is rarely answered, because it’s an unfair question to ask ourselves. It’s far too broad, as it assumes that we can know the future.  It assumes that satisfaction in life comes from finding the “dream job,” and once we find this mythical creature, our search for meaning and happiness will be fulfilled once and for all.

In reality, there are no dream jobs. Well, let me step back and clarify: there are no perfect jobs. Those who’d call their job a “dream job” create their sense of satisfaction for themselves, as opposed to searching passively for a perfect fit. Every job has its drawbacks and annoyances, yet every job also has potential to be satisfying. It’s all about how you look at it.

So, how do we find a rewarding, challenging, fulfilling job when this daunting question seems so large and unanswerable?

Ask a new question: What can I do today that satisfies my needs and desires?

Claremount Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi introduces a new term to the discussion, “flow,” to describe the phenomenon of people losing themselves in the moment while doing activities they enjoy:

People in flow may be sewing up a storm, doing brain surgery, playing a musical instrument or working a hard puzzle with their child. The impact is the same: A life of many activities in flow is likely to be a life of great satisfaction, Csikszentmihalyi says. And you don’t have to be a hotshot to get there.

Ostensibly, flow happens during any activity, the key being that it allows us to turn off the brain and exist within the moment. We can all think of examples in lives that demonstrate “flow.” Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, writing reports or doing roadside construction, we’ve all had the experience of being so immersed in a task that we’d lost track of time, or suddenly realized that we hadn’t given a second thought to daily life stresses. Applying this concept to the “dream job” question offers a few insights:

Refocusing your search to the small, seemingly “inconsequential” tasks that you enjoy will reap big rewards. When flow kicks in, we don’t worry over what the future holds or how we compare to the next guy. Instead, we focus on the task at hand and are rewarded by the immediacy of the experience. In this way, you should pursue jobs that emphasize actions that you tend to get lost in. Be it art, business, education or horseshoeing, don’t be afraid to chase after the things that allow you to lose track of the time.

If you’re in the career you love, but have experienced feelings of disillusionment or boredom, remember: any job has aspects that you can make your own. If you are a salesperson, make a point to become as invested in your customers as you can be. If you are a computer programmer, do everything in your power to make the most efficient, elegant program. Whatever it is, don’t let boredom or routine distract you from the great gift you have.

If you are unemployed now, don’t let perceived “failures” to land a job detract from the other great opportunities life offers. You are just as capable as any other person to experience life’s beauty. Keep looking for work, and don’t let rejection take hold of your principles. At the same time, use the time you have to get lost in other great tasks. This can be difficult, I know. It is hard to enjoy things in the moment when you constantly worry about making payments or supporting a family. Even so, if you keep trying and putting forth your best self, chances are you’ll land back on your feet eventually.  And when you are, you’ll look back on your time of unemployment as a time of reflection and re-positioning. And you’ll be better because of it.

Remember: life isn’t tomorrow, it’s right now. Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert agrees, stating: “If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn’t know how much you would like it when you got there.” Thus, live in flow today!

USA Today. “Psychologists now know what makes people happy.” Last modified December 10, 2002. Accessed October 9, 2012. http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2002-12-8-happy-main_x.htm

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