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Category Archives: Advice from a Life Coach

January 16, 2013 Tricks to Becoming A Great Persuader

Let’s face it: the world can be a competitive place. If you’re passionate about something and wish to pursue it, others are definitely doing the same. If you think you’re very good at something, there’s someone out there who’s better. Everyday, we must navigate through a world in which everyone is fighting for numero uno.

This is why persuasive skills are a must-have. To be successful in your endeavors, whatever they may be, you’ll need to convince others that you are worth their time.

The following are a few techniques to help you be more persuasive.

1. Frame Your Words Carefully

Consider these two sentences, and tell me which one is more effective.

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in furthering my career.”

“I’d like to be considered for the management position because I’m interested in new opportunities and challenges.”

The second one, right? These sentences both convey someone wishing to be considered for a promotion. Yet the second sentence focuses on personal growth and a desire to learn, while the first seems to say that the person, at the end of the day, is really only in it for themselves.

Politicians use framing all the time. Consider the terms “pro-life” and “pro-choice.” If you swap the “pro” with “anti” to make them “anti-life” and “anti-choice,” you see what each side is trying to emphasize.

These are subtle, yet intentional ways to make your proposal more enticing.

2. Mirror Body Language

When trying to persuade someone, mirroring their body language makes you seem empathetic. In fact, if you’re an empathetic person to begin with, you are probably doing this without realizing it, which is good! People instinctively try to form alliances whenever possible, and by copying their mannerisms (subtly, of course!), you’re signaling to them that you understand them and are on their side.

3. Fluid Speech

Too many “umm’s,” “err’s” or other fillers gives off the impression that you aren’t confident, and confidence is crucial for successful persuasion. Work on making your speech smooth, fluid, and controlled. Don’t rush through your proposal or argument. Instead, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and speak as you would to a good friend.

If you feel the need to utter an “err,” here’s a tip: Often, when in a position of pressure, such as an interview or a presentation, we are inclined to speak much more quickly than we usually would. If you feel an “um” coming on, it’s a cue that you need to slow down and take a breath. Change out the filler word with silence. This may sound crazy, but actually, a few seconds of silence between sentences gives off an impression of confidence and control of the situation. Watch politicians speak, focusing on how they take tough questions, and you’ll see what I mean.

4. Break The Touch Barrier; Use First Names

You’ll need to use common sense for this one, since some situations aren’t going to allow for you to do this. However, because we humans subconsciously desire to bond, physical touch can make it more likely that the person you’re persuading will accept you as an ally and feel inclined to agree to your proposal. This can be a light pat on the shoulder, a joking “punch” on the arm (not a real punch, obviously), or a reassuring and gentle arm squeeze. Again, you’ll need to use your intuition on this. I wouldn’t, for instance, do the joking punch thing at a job interview.

In the same vein, work on using someone’s first name mid-sentence  This does two things. First of all, it instinctively demands the person’s attention. Should, for any reason, the person begin to show signs of losing attention, inserting their name into your speech will snap them back into the present. Secondly, it triggers the same subconscious bond that physical touch does; it gives them the sense that you’re on the same team.

5. If you believe in your proposal, others will too

This is the most important trick. Too often I see people clearly uninterested in the thing they’re trying to sell/promote/propose. This is perhaps the single biggest turnoff when it comes to persuasion. How in the world do you expect others to get behind you when you’re not behind it yourself? Enthusiasm and passion are contagious; use this as a persuasive tool.

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January 9, 2013 Empathy: The “Glue” to Any Good Community

Last week I talked about the importance of community, tracing it all the way back to our first ancestors. This week I’d like to follow up on the topic and focus in particular on how empathy is the “glue” that binds all successful communities together.

Empathy itself is great, but it is empathetic action that makes all the difference. A team of psychologists and researchers recently came out with a book titled, “The Compassion Instinct.” Among many other interesting insights, they lay out some active steps to making a community truly grow:

1. Plug in! 

“People who give to others give healthier, happier lives to themselves.”

Service is key to any successful community. Join a cause you believe in, volunteer at a food shelter or be a mentor to young people. Don’t just send checks in the mail to a charity. You need to actually get out and get your hands dirty in order to cultivate strong bonds between other people. Community is based on this type of service, and you will feel more alive when you take part in other people’s lives in your neighborhood, your church and your workplace. And, speaking of workplaces…

2. Break the rule of leaving your personal problems out of the workplace.

“Many workers assume that they are supposed to check their personal problems at the door when they enter the office.” 

The book mentions how employer-employee relations have steadily declined since the 1980s due to increased globalization and competition between companies, which led to more lay-offs across the board. Thus, it’s common to be suspicious and distrustful of your boss nowadays, and you certainly don’t want to bring your own baggage into the office, lest you want to risk appearing unprofessional.

However, the research shows that companies do better when their employees feel connected, cared for and appreciated. Therefore, it is not only healthy for you to become close with your co-workers, it also will make a difference in productivity and innovation. The challenge is the risk you take by attempting to create community at work: for it to be successful, you must let your guard down. Which leads to the final point…

3. Trust in others!

“Trust is an intrinsic part of human nature…most simply defined as the expectation that other people’s future actions will safeguard our interests.”

It’s easy to see why trust has declined in the country for some time now. We are skeptical of politics, companies, advertisements, banks, and even our neighbors. And for good reason, I might add. How many Watergate-type scandals, corporate fraud news headlines and stories of mild-mannered folks becoming violent are we expected to endure and still put our faith in others?

Yet the solution to these problems, horrible and scary as they are, is not to shield ourselves even more. Quite the opposite, actually. We need to put faith in our peers enthusiastically, not reluctantly. We won’t think they’ll pull through, we’ll expect them to! Trust is the one ingredient above all others that enables us to thrive in our communities. And it starts at a person-to-person level.

Keltner, Dacher, Marsh, Jason and Jeremy Adam Smith, eds., The Compassion Instinct (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 2010)

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December 12, 2012 Intentional Holiday Planning (So You Can Focus On What’s Really Important)

Piggybacking on last week’s post on thankfulness during the holiday bustle, this week I want to talk about being intentional this season. By that, I mean you should decide ahead of time what you and your family truly love about the holidays and make a point to make your traditions, activities, or parties truly count.

There are three great ways to accomplish this:

1. Limit your holidays to a few simple, yet meaningful activities. Perhaps this means you sit down with the family and decide on a list of things everyone loves about the season. Focus on activities that encourage community and bonding. And keep it simple!

2. Say no! This is a really just an extension of the first point. There are countless Christmas brunches, holiday parties, caroling groups, baking sessions and extended family reunions to attend. Remember: you are not obligated to do it all, nor should you! If you feel that you’re in over your head this season, it’s a good sign that you have over-committed yourself. I’ve found that my holidays are much worse when I’m too active; things become more about getting everything done and making every gathering on time, and less about the joy in baking, or the pleasure in reuniting with old friends or extended family.

3. Be adaptable. Many people fall into the “trap of tradition” during their holidays. I’m not saying that tradition is bad; in fact, I love having traditions! The “trap” I’m talking about refers to people who feel that they must recreate the same Christmas or Hanukkah year after year, and that if they don’t, they’ve somehow failed. Remember: every tradition started when a person thought of a new way to celebrate. Feel free to wander off the path of tradition, and embrace the inevitable hiccups or botched plans that are bound to occur in the midst of the hectic holidays. Who knows, maybe a so-called “botched” old tradition will become your most memorable new tradition!

This holiday season, don’t stretch yourself too thin.  Be intentional; be thoughtful.  Focus on what really matters: friends, family, and communion. All your holiday activities–baking cookies, decorating the tree, planning a family gathering, or even shopping–are all meant to enrich your relationships with those around you, and the activities themselves are meaningless without this dynamic.

Keep in mind that your holidays don’t have to be “just right”! If you’re surrounded by loved ones and engaged in what you love to do, then your holidays are exactly as they should be.

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